Friday, March 30, 2007

First-Place Wizards Prepare for 13-Game Win Streak

WASHINGTON, March 30 — The First-Place Washington Wizards are preparing to close out their uber-successful 2006-2007 season in style with a planned 13-game win streak. After a road trip in which they played competitively in five grueling west-coast games, including one where All-Star Gilbert Arenas silenced a Seattle crowd with a final-second running teardrop, The First-Place Washington Wizards have a plan in place to not lose another game. The mission began Wednesday, where the return of All-Star forward Caron Butler prompted a three-point thrashing of the decrepit—like their hometown and fans—Philadelphia 76ers. Butler, whose third period buzzer-beating heave was guided by mystical beings to its rightful place at the bottom of the net, may have missed the entire West-Coast tune up, but he is back at 110% for the streak. "I felt real good," said Butler to a professional reporter.

The streak will continue with tonight's game against a team from Canada consisting of Euros with wispy beards, a team the First-Place Washington Wizards belittled like their inferior homeland on March 6th, 129-109. You may remember the game for the emphatic block Calvin Booth (pictured above, on a typical night) performed on a European forward femininly named Andrea Bargnani. The repercussions of such a wondrous display of defense has lead Andrea, the number one overall pick in 2006, to get an apendectomy and miss the game.

Playing in the comfortable confines of the Verizon Center, where the First-Place Washington Wizards are a dominating 26-9, the team sees this game as just #2 on this streak, even if this ultimately underwhelming opponent leads their laughable Atlantic Division. Guard Deshawn Stevenson, the greatest Free-Agent signing in the history of the bargain bin, plans to have an encore performance of his season-high 28 points in the Philly-win against the weak Raptors. "We ... helped ourselves by winning. That's all we can do now. We had a...road trip...and now we have to concentrate and take care of business. We can't worry too much about what other teams are doing," said Stevenson, who was waving in hand in front of his face while speaking, not so much as mimicking his now-patented "you can't see me" dance as to pantomime the stank smell of the play of the Raptors.

Once thought to be in danger of losing their position to a bunch of aging NBA veterans from the retirement community of Miami, the First-Place Washington Wizards now plan on steamrolling the rest of their schedule, which includes games against many teams barely registering NBA talent, like the Milwaukee Bucks, the Indiana Pacers and the Michael Jordan helmed—unfortunately for them—Charlotte Bobcats. Many of these "teams" are purposely tanking games in order to jockey for position in what is looking like the Greg Oden-Kevin Durant 2007-2008 draft lottery sweepstakes. The only playoff bound teams remaining on the schedule are the Eastern-Conference pretenders the Chicago Bulls, the Cleveland Lebrons and the aformentioned Heat, who the First-Place Washington Wizards plan on blitzing at Miami granted the officials stay away from calling suspect charges.

By the looks of things, 13 straight shouldn't be a problem, neither should be the playoffs, where, even if the streak officially doesn't continue, the First-Place Washington Wizards ought to win out. The future is bright.

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