Thursday, March 5, 2009

The DCO Salutes T.O.

With the amount of T.O. news getting ready to bludgeon the public in the coming hours, we here at the DCO would like to take the time to thank the former 'boy, and former iggle for all of his contributions. While many have bemoaned Terrell Owens' presence in the hallowed halls of the National Football League for his flamboyance, his demand for attention and passes, and his carousing with Desperate Housewives, we here at the DC Optimist think one of his more unheralded contributions has gone unlawfully unnoticed. Owens, by the grace of god, single-handedly destroyed both the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys playoff chances during his reigns in their respective uniforms, and for that, he cannot be thanked enough.

It all began with his celebrated tenure in Philadelphia. Working like a secret undercover agent, Owens decimated morale in the Eagles' locker room, belittled fellow diva Donovan McNabb into choking at every opportunity, took to camera whoring when his enormous contract seemingly wasn't enormous enough, and then, when it seemed like the world would completely implode on itself and the Eagles might win the Super Bowl, forced his way out, leaving the team's receiver core still without it's most productive target, and thus impotent and failure-prone. In the process, he enraged the admittedly easily-enraged Iggles fanbase, something we here at the DCO strive to do with every post. Owens work made the Eagles look cheap in the eyes of potential free agents, and naturally, players of his ilk stayed as far away as possible from that decrepit city, like many of the more sensible individuals in this country.

Naturally, Owens' problems with co-workers was lost on the bumbling Jerry Jones, who couldn't possibly see what a destructive force Owens was and like the inept personnel director he is, happily lead T.O. into Dallas so he could continue his masterwork of crushing locker room jollyness. While the earth was revolting at the sight of Tony Romo winking with his hat backwards, Owens went to work making sure that scourge of football was properly reminded that he isn't s**t. Romo was lambasted by Owens in every glorious opportunity, especially during Romo's impressively epic failures, like every playoff game number 9 ever suited up for and bungled.

It was the presence of T.O. combined with the natural unintended comedic brilliance of Jerry Jones' personnel moves that lead HBO to once again film Hark Knocks in the Cowboys' locker room. This development has always lead to the profiled team completely ruining itself, as the hour long in-depth scouting reports aired weekly often showed things to teams that couldn't be found studying game film. Although viewing Hard Knocks was especially troubling for this blogger, as it is strange watching a program where you wish every participant would suddenly become debilliatingly injured, it was hard not to notice the seeds of destruction that Owens had planted. Rookies looking to make T.O.-like money, have T.O.-esque commercials, etc., looked up to the receiver and his highly publicized tantrums. Why wouldn't they rally against their awful quarterback? And if HBO cameras weren't enough to parlay, Owens usually took his act to the pressers, including the undeniably fantastic "That's my Co' Back" post-playoff flameout that has been the finest post-football game press conference ever assembled. These seeds, combined with the Cowboys own drafted and acquired free agents, amounted to their suckiness.

With Owens now hitting the free agent market, many teams may be taking another look at his sort-of productive numbers, and possibly taking him and his brilliant destructive ways into their locker room. We hear the Giants may be looking for a replacement for the also-troubled Plaxico Burress. Wouldn't T.O. enjoy ripping apart another NFC East team from its insides? We'll be waiting to find out; with our popcorn of course.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/buffalo_bills_acquire_final?utm_source=a-section

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