Celebrating Christmas in February!

If you happen to be one of the new subscribers to the most positive twitter feed in the region (see newest widget to your right, and add away), you will notice a marked enthusiasm from us about the Redskins' latest delving into the waters of free agency. Despite what many of the sayers of nea were harping on regarding the cap situation, the hightened salaries, poor economy, presence of Vinny Cerrato etc., Dan Snyder still managed to obtain the highest-regarded player in free agency, Albert Haynesworth, while still retaining that lovely late season playmaker D'Angelo Hall, and STILL remaining in the running for totally-welcome-back pulling guard Derrick Dockery. Noticing needs for a more destructive defense, big D (meaning Snyder, not the Sportscenter-ticker-dominating 'boys) didn't stand pat, nor did he tear anything down, nor sacrifice any future, nor disrupt any past gains. No, he went out and made this team better for its millions of high-price paying fans, doling out even more millions to improve a product we have always felt was on the cusp of greatness.

What is there to gripe about when it comes to signing Haynesworth to the biggest contract for a defensive player in league history? If you asked one of the quibbling Jasons from the Post, they may reply with details of the salary cap problems that the skins were supposed to be mired in for centuries to come. They may liken giving this contract-year guy enormous dollars to giving the scourge that is Dana Stubblefield enormous dollars (yet denying him his proper performance-enhancing drug budget). They may dismiss the signing as ornament-grabbing business-as-usual for D-Snydes and his raquetball cronies, who think a large, expensive band-aid will fix what years of maligned drafting and fluctuating management have wounded.

But if you ask our contingent of 'tism, we would express nothing but the deepest of excitement for this move and its ramifacations throughout the league. With this signing, the retention of a now-healthy Jason Taylor and Cornelius Griffin, and the tendering of draft picks Anthony Montgomery and Kedric Golston, the skins have formidable-ized their defensive line, which in the past had been a softer spot of their still-top-five-in-the-league defense. The re-upping of Hall enhances that continuity portion of the team that everyone continues to think is barren. That fantastic secondary ought to have plenty more opportunities to intercept Tony Romo once these QB eaters begin their weekly blocker sheddings and pain causings. Pockets will collapse, and mistakes will be increased. Turnovers (and dropped turnovers if you are Carlos Rogers) will increase, field position will enhance, and FedEx Field game announcer Mark Kessler will likely bring back his decrepit "It's thiiiiiiiiiird down aaaannnddd llloooooooongg!" chant, which will now not result in an instant first down for the opposition.

With the Haynesworth signing, the skins can concentrate their full complement of draft picks on another maligned portion of the team: the offensive line. The harrumphing at the hog-less ones has been heard (ha-literation!), and with a draft that seems to be pregnant with O-line talent, a first-round selection in the realm of combine Columbiner Andre Davis or Michael Lewis-inspiring Michael Oher ought to add more blue-chip talent to a rugged veteran line eager to teach. If you read Lewis's Oher biography-slash-Joe Theisman broken leg autopsy book "The Blindside" you may recall current skin John Jansen supplying Oher with clothes and shoes during the kid's insanely huge development period. The draft-stock dropping Davis is another in the long line of Crimson Tide Tackles, whose lineage includes current pro-bowl, and happily restructuring tackle Chris Samuels. I envision Samuels taking the troubled Davis under his giant sack-preventing wing, schooling the youngster on how to be awesome when not hurt. I envision either of these SEC giants to fit in nicely as a result of these ties. Plus, if there are enough dollars left to bring back Dockery, not only does that fill that gaping Guard hole, but it also returns a locker room good guy to the skins. The youthful exuberance of Chad Rinehart and Stephon Heyer ought to remain properly tutored by Joe Bugel, and should be ready for insertion if an unfortunate bump or bruise happens.

But most of all, these signings return the skins and their wonderful fanbase to those great, Christmas-like days of previous years, when you went to sleep to John Clayton theorizing and woke up to burgundy-and-gold-wrapped presents filled with newly-signed hope and promise. If you don't even feel a tingle of excitement, friends, we can only call you scrooge. Don't the skins boast some of the highest team revenues on the planet? Don't they charge you pretty much a small fortune to attend games, purchase hooded sweatshirts, and drink beer? Why shouldn't they splurge on what the team needs the most? Anybody with a problem with competitive spending can go quietly hum "ba humbug" to him or herself at their new favorite team's now-packed games. We'll stay singing "Deck the D-Halls", or some other potential Chris Paul-inspiring holiday song.

So You Think You Can General Manage?

Many people have been curious about Redskins' owner Daniel Snyder's recent acquisition of Dick Clark Productions. Thankfully, the DCO understands the great tiny mogul, and we are here to provide the succinct explanation. In addition to adding another kitchy old family friendly money-grab to his family friendly money-grabbing empire, he has secured the rights to the greatest reality television dance competition ever to be broadcast on the Fox network two days a week during primetime! Yes, we are talking about So You Think You Can Dance, the strangely-worded dance reality show competition that fervently slaps the American Idol formula to an eager group of butta-faced dance majors (aren't they all?) looking to become the next great video or Popeye's commercial extra! Mr. Snyder sees in this hit TV show more than just a money-making family-friendly (if those pesky homosexual connotations continue to be ignored) television megalith, no, he also sees TALENT EVALUATORS (and we see another opportunity to squeeze an ounce of comedy out of this story). Mr. Snyder is repeatedly smashed by 'Tism-haters for ignoring the scouting operations and instead relying on Eric Karabell and his fantasy-league geekerzoids for his free agent evalutions. Now he has recruited a gang of the best talent evaluators out there, and after this especially long-winded DCO opening post, we will get their comments on the recent brilliant off-season moves of the 'skins. It is these talent evaluators who correctly predicted that Benji would become the embodiment of America with his dance moves. Can they be as clairvoyant when it comes to football moves?

Cat Deely (in swarthy British accent, towering over Dan Snyder): Weeeelcome to another edition of SO you THINK YOU can MaNAGE!!! pre-teen crowd roars. Tuh-dayee, we are goooowing to analyze the recent player acquisitions of the Warshington RIdskins!! pre-teen crowd again roars. With us again are the the world famous JERDGES including the dippy choreographers and Nigel Lythgoe, the weirdo producer of the show whose creepy glances towards the teenage contestants seem to linger a bit too long! Now that the Redskins off-season is heading to a cloooowzzz, it is time for hack online columnists to hand out grades to each team for their on-the-paper performances! And we are no different in our superficial analysis! So without fur-ther a-dooow, LET GET JERDGING! Beginning with the skins' recent draft, lets hand it over to Shane Sparks!

Shane Sparks (buried underneath a fitted cap that matches his muscle-tight hardcore punk tee): Maaaaan. You guys was like... (long pause) off-the-HOOK! pre-teen crowd roars. Whoa! I mean, daaaaamn, that was NIIIIIIIICE! Straight up, I was feelin' that. Like, I thought Laron Landry might not be able to fit in well in that defensive backfield, but he is already pop-pop-popping at the groin. I think he will have great musicality back there... he's got MOVES, son. And I like the old-school flavor of London Fletcher. Sure he may be pushin' thirty-five, lookin' like that old dude at the club, but he's got game. Reminds me of a creepy uncle.


Cat Deely (still looking enormous): Thank yeeeoouww Shane! Your analysis was "own point" dawg! Now lets see what the more bitter, more white hip hop choreographer Dan Karaty thinks of the moves!


Dan Karaty (bangs ablaze in LA Looks): Yknow... I really wasn't feeling that move, Dan. I don't know I just... thought it was kind of OK. pre-teen crowd boos mercilessly. Hold on, hold on now, I'm not saying that amassing a backfield that includes two potential ego-riffic pro bowl safeties both gunning for the big hit at the same time, likely causing a big offensive play to happen concurrently is a bad idea, I am just not sure. pre-teen crowd again boos. WAIT WAIT! MY OPINION SHOULD BE RESPECTED, YOU MULES! I KNOW HOW TO EVALUATE TALENT, YOU DON'T! I CHOREOGRAPHED 'MUSIC AND LYRICS,' DAMMIT!


Cat Deely (able to restrain Karaty from the stage with her enormously long arms): Thank you Dan! Now lets go to the likely-stoned Mia Michaels for her take!


Mia Michaels (staring into the lights): All I have to say is (long pause) wow. Simply breathtaking. Your drafting skills are, in a word, stunning. Your braintrust is like an instrument in and of itself. Yeeaaaaaaaaaaahhh. (may have passed out)


Cat Deely (tall): Thank yeeeoow Mia! That was pertinent! Now lets hand it over to the histrionic Mary Murphy for her take!


Mary Murphy (WTF): Well guys. I hate to be the one to say this. I know you guys worked hard to shed your image of wayward free agent spending, terrible trades and other chemistry crushing moves. I know you want to deliver a proper championship to your loyal fans in the District. So I hate to be the one to have to say, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cat Deely (dunking a basketball): Ow-Kay! Now that that blatant grab for attention is over with, lets hand it to my boss and the token British arse, Nigel Lythgoe!


Nigel Lythgoe (oddly orange): Thaahnk you Cat. Well. I must say that these moves have been both thrifty, and spirited. You've reunited your fans with Smoot, you've focused on the tackling problems in the defensive backfield, and you've given your offense another year to gell with the players. I'd say overall, the performance was BRILL-YAHNT. I think there is room for improvement in the defensive line aaahrreea, but you put on a GREAT perFOHmance this offseason. BRAh-VOW!