The Only Way To Tally Wiz vs. Cavs

Courtesy of Bullets Forever.

Nick Young = 1
Lebron = punked

Juicy

Apologies to douchebag fanbases north of us: your latest juggernaut of a team has been bested, again. Yes, Caron "Tuff Juice" Butler has once again penetrated and deflated this gassed-up group of green gussies in a thrilling fourth-quarter comeback that revealed so much more about these Eddie-Jordan-helmed heroes than I could have ever wanted. Most teams, when facing a fourth quarter deficit of 14 points, with less than 7 minutes remaining, against the team with the best record in the league, on the road, with thousands of bandwagon bad-accented BAAAAHstonites juiced on Sam Adams and racism shouting down their throats, would concede to garbage time, spending these remaining valuable NBA minutes to increase Oleksiy Pecherov's workload. Not these Wizards. After Tony Allen threw down an emphatic dunk, this time during actual basketball time without hilariously shredding his knee ligaments, the Wizards could have folded. But no, the Juice decided it was time to cut loose, wetting the 'tics with defensive 'tensity, hounding boardwork, and two of the prettiest game-clinching drives seen since Todd Collins was marching dink-and-dunkers through the Bears defense in on a Thursday night in front of premium cable-subscribers and Bryant Gumbel. Sensing the ref's fellation of ESPN-commercial stars, Caron entered "Little-Debbie-Snack-Cake mode," taking the ball at the top of the key, first driving left to finish at the rim drawing a foul from the cliched-ly "intense" Kevin Garnett. The and-one gave the Wiz the lead for the first time since early in the second quarter. And this was after the bawling-for-John-Thompson, faux-ferocious, insufferable Garnett was given free reign from the officials to climb Brendan Haywood's back for a rebound and a put-back. The basket plus foul shot (only the 38th consecutive freebee hit by Caron), represented the Wizards never blinking in the face of the vaunted Celtics. Paul Pierce hit a couple of foul shots to give the Celtics the lead on the next posession, leaving heroic moments to again be bestowed on Caron, who again, delivered. This time he drove right, shaking Pierce's defensive stopper tag to hit another pretty lay-in. The lead swung back to the Wiz. Ballyhooed beantowner Garnett, hounded by Haywood, bricked a turnaround (although it was an "intense" brick) on the ensuing position, and who was it, flying to the hoop for the biggest defensive rebound of the game? Caron, who, by the way, was fouled directly in the eyes, post-board. We again see that Caron doesn't wilt, hitting his 39th and 40th consecutive free throws despite having Eddie House's manicure imbedded in his cornea. Ray Allen, again failing to shake the "locksmith" Deshawn Stevenson (apologies for anything bad uttered about 50-50 here, he has been magnificent) and a face-guarding Haywood (!!), bricked a fall-away three. Deshawn grabs a board, absorbs harm, swishes two free throws, and the C's are again befuddled by the Wiz. How do ya like that Phil?

I for one, am exhausted of hearing so much about the Celtics and the ressurrection of Garnett these days. The Celtics current influx of fairweather fans began chanting "MVP" while the panderingly passionate Garnett shot "emotional" free throws, but one wonders whether they were actually directing those accented chants towards the Juice. The Wizards were never scared of Garnett, not when he constantly whined to officials whenever they would have the nerve to whistle him for making stink faces while fouling, not while Brendan Haywood and Andray Blatche were hounding him, not while Antawn Jamison was putting his misses back into the hoop, accidentally. I believe Caron emphatically wrestled away that most-valuable tag, especially after throwing one down directly in KG's grill, and swatting grovelling Garnett (called a foul by officials). Frankly, I'd rather have the Wizards current big three (replacing the hobbling Gilbert with Deshawn) than the Celtics trumped-up trio (THERES A CUTE NICKNAME). I don't see Garnett finishing the game off without help from his official friends. Caron had the officials playing "sixth-man" to the Celtics last night, but he still forced steals off of Pierce and drove past Ray Allen to extend the improbable 19-5 run. Faking passion may help some, but people don't need for Caron to display his 'tensity in an attention-whorish manner a la KG. They know his rep, they know he doesn't beg for trades, having moved cities three times. They know he doesn't only play well during a contract-year, having displayed his best ball-playing post-signing of a new deal. When Caron is on TNT, he is not for hogging the spotlight, shedding tears for John Thompson on the construction of his team (he saves his tears for Oprah). No, Caron sees the adversity provided by an extended Gilbert Arenas absence and pounces on it like he would pounce on a loose ball unearthed from Paul Pierce (or one that has sprung from Brendan Haywood's "hands"). He takes over the team and leads them to the fourth-best record in the east, fast approaching the always hot-starting, then eventually fizzling Orlando Magic.

With Caron at the helm, this team has not only stay afloat, but it has excelled. This team will be a juggernaut when Gilbert returns.

Vintage Jamison on Display Last Night

WASHINGTON, April 17 — Capping off the final home game of a historic season, Antawn Jamison of the playoff bound Washington Wizards brought his game back to the inspirational levels of his youthful days dropping a season-high 48 points on the Orlando Magic. Despite being 30 years old and thus, useless in the eyes of many-a sports columnist, Jamison decidedly stepped up his game against the Magic by executing his patented flip shots, running floaters, unneccessary threes and missed free throws on bewhildered defenders Hedo Turkoglu, Grant Hill and Tony Battie. The Wizards remaining "Big" had yet to truly shoulder the load of the scoring since the untimely departure of his two prolific teammates, but after a performance like this, there is no doubt that Jamison is ready to be the go-to-guy come playoff time. Now, if given the opportunity by the often experimental Eddie Jordan, Jamison ought to finish the job. In this game he had plenty of opportunities to take the victory, but after accounting for nearly 50% of the team's output, Antawn ran out of weird-looking shots. Jamison hadn't scored this many points in a game since his back-to-back 51-pointers as a member of the then hapless Golden State Warriors, a team that knows a thing or two about moral victories.

Wizards Amassing Moral Victories, Hayes Amasses Career Highs

WASHINGTON, April 9 — The Washington Wizards continue their march to the postseason having played two extremely competitive games over the weekend. Most so-called sports professionals had deemed the Wizards unable to compete minus their two all-stars, but instead of forfeiting, as some cowardly, cut-and-running, bleeding-heart Al-qada-supporters might, the Wizards have welcomed the surge of support from a few guys that have been lurking on their bench and in their starting lineup remaining in the hunt in two games against playoff-bound opponents.

In an effort to make up for the missing 47.5 points per game the Wizards two all-stars routinely provided, Jarvis Hayes (!!!) has stepped to the front. Sporting a dazzling array of jumpshots, a few even going into the hole, Hayes has taken the opportunity that affronts an injury-decimated team and turned it into a positive looking to fool somebody into signing him into a new contract. Despite often being inneffective in most games, Hayes' play in Saturday's loss to the Nets was other-worldly. Scoring a career-high 29 points, hitting 5 threes and playing Wizards-brand defense on Vince Carter (46 points, also a career-high, but with more whining), Hayes sparkled, as opposed to clanking. Hayes' play has been noticed by team officials, who have included him in their latest playoff ticket commercial, no doubt appealing to the fans who Jarvis inspires every day.

Hayes' co-star in those advertisements, Antawn Jamison, or the big one, has been equally fastidious with his recent play, scoring 37 huge points in the meadowlands loss. By ignoring the need to body up his defender, instead concentrating on the offense that the Wizards really need, Jamison was again the dependable force he has established himself as throughout the years here, ultimately factoring into a game that got extremely tight in the final stages. Down three with three seconds remaining Jamison, Vince Carter's soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law, stroked a three from the top of the key, sending the game into overtime, where the Wizards were not rewarded a standings point.

The Wizards again match up with the Nets on Tuesday, although this time, away from the acres of browning grass and pollution-spewing McDonalds flavor factories of the barren wasteland off of the New Jersey turnpike. The Wizards couldn't manage to gain a victory in a land where human life cannot be sustained, but they shouldn't have that problem at the Verizon Center. Andray Blatche, the young, nubile 20-year old forward of whom everyone sees a striking Garnett-like resemblance, ought to log in more than the one minute of action he had against New Jersey, having just recovered from a knee sprain. The magic number remains at one.

In other news, no one is comparing Saturday's Washington area sporting events, in its endless audience-bludgeoning violence and despair to Grindhouse yet.