Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The DCO Plays Gary Clark, Eric Kay Plays Tony Romo

I'll let anonymous, (Boswell?) commenter kick things off:
"Pre-DCO circa early '07: 'Skins losing record and apparent failure of 2d Gibbs
area; Wiz injuries pre-playoffs and 4 and out; Nat'ls gut the team; Caps showing
negative potential and not even in contention most of the season; United's
dismal second half season. Post-DCO now: 'Skins winning and Cambell looking like
the future of the franchise; Wiz looking to be the sleeper and Arenas certain to
have a breakout contract year with a huge chip on his shoulder; Caps undefeated
opening and excellent offseason; Nat'ls exceeding all expectations with a bright
future; United starts slow but is now undisputed top dog.Is anyone noticing
this? Too much was written about DC's citywide slump to allow DC's citywide
optimism to go unnoticed. Spread the word."
Who knew that the inception of the DCO would lead to this regional sports renaissance? It began in a rough fashion, but as we steadfastly trolled the internets, dolling out the 'tism like only the jolliest of ice cream men (yes, the chimes play "Hail to the Redskins,"), we knew deep down in our hearts that our mission was one that could achieve ultimate success. We knew that our efforts to prop up the sensibilities and eliminate the lingering cynicism and indifference were not in vain. We knew Brandon Lloyd was due. We knew the Nats wouldn't be lowly, bottom-feeding, dissapointing or sucky at all. We knew the Caps were a few offseason acquisitions from returning to that stout puck-clearing, penalty-killing, clutch-goal nabbing squad of years past. We knew the Phillies were going to dissapoint (that was no surprise).

It's as if the DCO stood in front of a microphone, decked out in a sharp black suit with matching shades, punctuated with a white-on-white shirt-tie combo (besting Bob's fashionable sweater-vest, pink tie combo from the Caps home opener), hyping up the greatest fans out there. Yes, the DCO has figuratively played the role of the latest ring of fame recipient, Gary Clark, who stood in the blistering heat Sunday, surrounded by band members and flanked by Mark Mosely, to not only bask in his former Redskins glory, but also produce dizzying levels of 'tism that in turn lead to the 21st consecutive belittling of the Detroit Lions. One of the most glorious mouths to ever grace the locker room was on blast, and instead of whoring attention on cable TV, or trying to snort everything in sight, or both, Clark used his magnificient words to amp up the non-urinating crowd members. Think it didn't work? Witness Brandon Lee's slightly NFL property-violating video montage of Sunday's "whooping."

Online Videos by Veoh.com

I can only add that the addition of the Clark speech to the beginning of this top-notch production is akin to the opening scene of Citizen Kane, where Orson Welles brilliantly shows the dying Kane drop the snow globe, which seamlessly transitions to his snowy youth memories. If I could nominate this bootleg video for an Oscar, I would. Bravo to you, Brandon Lee, and bravo to Gary, whose former Bethesda night club, South Beach, was a quality haunt where Journey would not be heard, unlike most places in dreaded 'thesda.

And speaking of that insipid commune on the old line side of Wisconsin Ave, we again go back to DCO nemesis, and former 'thesda resident, Eric Kay and his original piece of terrible joke-reaching to reveal our incredible progress. I'm sure that like an old Dane Cook routine, you don't want to see this pathetic attempt at comedy again, but I think it is time to re-visit some of his hilariously out-of-touch responses to the status of our local sports heroes. In fact, I would say that Kay's performance looked reminiscent of last night's performance of another insufferable douche, Tony Romo, whose attempts to goad the Bills into winning a game last night were often of the hilarious sort. We can now say that Kay threw five interceptions with his laugh-fest. Beginning with his Redskins outlook:
Short-term prospects: Horrible considering a newbie quarterback and loaded NFC
East. Long-term prospects: Horrible, considering a toy-collecting owner,
mismanagement and aging coaching staff.
What's the verdict here? After three very solid defensive performances and a maturation at the quarterback position that has been spectacular, but not unprecedented, I'd say Mr. Kay tossed up a throw over the middle to George Wilson for the pick six. What about the NFC East is particularly loaded, other than the 'boys recent loaded-with-cupcakes schedule? The Iggles haven't exactly done anything other than get ignored, and run up 56 on the Lions. The Giants have been pesky, but no one considers them anything more than lucky. (Yes, a trip over the pulling guard, and a fumbled exchange in the fourth is lucky, dammit.) And wasn't that aging, mismanaging coaching staff selecting great defensive backs in the first round, outsmarting supposed genius offensive coordinators, and getting great work out of an offensive line and receiver core that laughs at the term "patchwork?" Yes.

What about Kay's (wrong) thoughts on the Nats?
Short-term prospects: Putrid, considering half the team will be shipped out come
late July.
This analysis was deflected at the line of scrimmage, and caught in the air by the proverbial Chris Kelsay (in this case being the Nats braintrust), and returned for another touchdown. The Nats actually didn't ship anyone out come late July. The team saw what value it had in its starting infield, rewarding them with smart money, matriculating into a fourth place, prognostigator-defying finish. Putrid? Try looking at the Mets final weeks. There were no Dane Cook commercials made featuring the Nats and their playoff revenge stories. (hahaha)

What about the Kay's comments RE: The Wiz, and their slightly cursed ways?
While management's better than it's ever been with Big Ern Grunfeld calling the
shots, the Wizards still haven't developed a big man of note since Gheorghe
Muresan or found a point guard worthy enough to fill Rod Strickland's sneaks.
Anybody ready for another try at the Brent Price era?
Again, Kay lofts one over the middle, this time to Angelo Crowell. Hmm, maybe you haven't witnessed the glories of both a healthy Darius Songaila, and an impassioned Andray Blatche, but those are two big men of note, not to mention the guaranteed playtime and subsequent elated play of Brendan Haywood. And point guards? I thought we were praising Gilbert in an earlier paragraph. He only averages close to seven assists a game in addition to nailing game winners, drawing an innumerable amount of foul calls, and stealing balls at a top-ten rate. I'd say he is a pretty damn good point, one I would offer franchise money for. Lets not forget about Antonio Daniels either, him with one of the guttiest playoff performances on record.

And now for the most egregious of bad joke-making, Kay's awful analysis of the powerhouse Caps.
Short-term prospects: Bad, shunning free-agency, it's another rebuilding year.
Long-term prospects: Bad, Washingtonian hockey fans always start biting
their nails each time the word "contraction" is used by the commissioner's
First of all, shunning free agency? The Caps smartly spent 9 million on three guys who have contributed so immediately that they are now positively playoff bound. They can even have a franchise low in shots and still come away with the victory, despite jelly-like legs from having played their third game in less than 72 hours. Kozlov rips the shot that ties the game up. Nylander sets up Pothier whose blast lands on Brooks Laich's James Black-esque stick for the GWG. Poti hurls himself to the ice to stop the short-handed break in the third. The team is rebuilt, folks, and the finished product officially kicks ass. Contraction? Never likely in the fifth largest market in the US. The Caps have a long tradition of gritty, solid defensive play, and now that they have their superstar in Ovie to push them over the edge come playoff time, you'll see Verizon rocking again. This one lands directly in John Digiorio's hands near the goal line. Kornheiser might even have an eye-roll inducing joke relating to a certain frozen pizza company whose name sounds similar too.

And finally, Kay's college basketball prospects were also wrong.
With college basketball's second- or third-hottest coach, Georgetown's back on
the national scene. But with no extension imminent for John Thompson III, it's a
nervous delight on the Hilltop.
JTIII inked a new deal in September, likely to rub this negativity into Kay's face. It's as if his analysis was a pass that Jabari Greer steps in front of to seal a franchise record of ineptitude.


Anonymous said...

I’m not going to comment on you pointing out once again the glaring amount of hating on DC sports because its a fact everyone hates DC for no reason. I mean there are reasons to hate NY teams but what has DC ever done to you talking heads of the world (FOX)? Mostlikey a red light/speeding camera ticket they got or something petty.

However I wanted to comment about the mental state of Britney Spears and how she's completely lost it.

Lost it like eagles fans have lost hope of ever winning a super bowl (they keep choking on that chunky soup) or nick who won't back down when talking with a Dallas fan (Lost his mind in the argument).

Well get back to me before I get my jaw broken breaking up a fight between two guys bigger then jay jay.

With love,
Your sister Officer Shanney

Anonymous said...

woop woop! thats the sound of tha po-lice!!!