With the Redskins signing late 90's stalwart (and member of the #4 greatest team of all time) Keenan McCardell, the Wizards tabbing 40 year old Association whore Tony Massenburg for training camp, and the Capitals getting ready to lay their highly optimistic season hopes on the shoulders of 37-year old Olaf Kolzig, the DC Optimist is suddenly feeling those lovely nostalgic pangs that can't be properly explained unless they are in the form of hour-long broadcasts dragged out over a week featuring B-rate comedians, washed up celebrities and Scott Ian waxing on the VH1 network! So we have gathered several luminous celebrities to once again look back on that fantastic decade of grunge rock, slap bracelets, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, jheri curls, and Bobtimist Prime's awkward trek through puberty! So without further ado, lets introduce the program's celebrity talking heads!
Tony Kornheiser - Formerly awesome Washington Post columnist, now professional ESPN talking head/hack. Ought to have wondrous puns involving the related names.
T-Pain - Current R&B vocoder-enhanced superstar whose electronic Cher-inflected riddims are dominating the clubs.
corpse of Biggie Smalls - One of the greatest rappers of all time who was tragically gunned down by unknown assailants March 9th, 1994. Lyrics are likely tattooed on 70% of NFL players.
Scott Ian - rhythm guitarist for seminal late 80's thrash metal band Anthrax. Currently on VH1 speed dial for head-talking purposes. Prominent goattee.
Michael Westbrook - Former Redskins wide receiver bust turned mixed martial arts fighter.
Johnathan Taylor Thomas - Former teen heart throb and star of Home Improvement. Remember him?
BETTER DIMINUTIVE SUPERSTARS: MICHELLE TANNER OR REDSKINS WIDE RECEIVERS?
Westbrook: I admire the receivers' ability to catch over their shoulders. I could never do that during my illustrious career. I did whoop Stephen Davis's punk ass though. You all see that? Then we went to the playoffs.
Kornheiser: Michelle Tanner, Michael is displaying something more like Tiny Manners!
corpse of B.I.G.: Don't they know my &@*&@# Gutter *@#*& kidnip kids? (uhh) @#%$ em in the &@#@, throw em over the bridge (oooh)
Scott Ian: Sure Michelle was able to milk her insipid moppetty role into scads of money through endorsements, terrible movies, and the never wavering support of pedophiles, but did you see Santana's catches two weeks ago? What about Randel-El on the one? It's not like the skins haven't won super bowls with small receivers.
JTT: I coulda nailed both Olsen twins. Totally. You know I was on 78 Tiger Beat covers? I had so much child star play, you don't even know.
BIGGER WASTE OF MONEY: BRANDON LLOYD OR WATERWORLD?
Kornheiser: Brandon Lloyd, I bet Dan Snyder wishes he had Christopher Lloyd and his Delorean, so he could reneg on that turkey of a deal, am I right?
corpse of Biggie: By the way, them bricks, get flipped weekly. Sold by soldiers that mix weed with the leak leak. Die for a dollar $%#@, life ain't sweet. Play for keeps wet shirts with experts on the creep.
Westbrook: I completely feel BLloyd's pain. Hated on by the legions of Redskins faithful for a lack of production, bouting with the coaching staff, having inept quarterbacks, removing helmets at the worst possible time. I know your pain bro.
T-Pain: Talk To Me, I Talk Back. Let's Talk Money, I Talk That. Crunk juice bombs, Oakley Shades. Shawty Got Class. Oh Behave. Let's Get Gone, Walk It Out (Now Walk It Out). Just Like That. That's What I'm Talking 'Bout.
Scott Ian: Sure Waterworld "tanked," and likely lead to the end of interesting science fiction that isn't a Star Wars movie being put on the big screen, but it eventually broke even, with those foreign box office receipts, product tie-ins, and DVD sales. It's not like the movie has made absolutely zero plays since the start of the season, as BLloyd has.
JTT: LOL at Waterworld. I was swimming in loot in '95, cuddling all of your children as the voice of Simba in the Lion King. You know how much tail I pull by replaying my tear-jerking Mufasa death scene? You wouldn't believe. You wanna see box office gold? Check 'Man of the House,' AKA the last Chevy Chase movie that mattered.
MORE BELIEVABLE DC BOAST: GEORGE BUSH I'S "READ MY LIPS NO NEW TAXES" OR WIZARDS LATEST DEDICATION TO DEFENSE?
Westbrook: Man, I was an offensive powerhouse, but you should see my defensive techniques today. You think 48 caught a bad one, wait'll you see me in the cage. Go ahead, try and punch me. C'mon, I'll let you get the first swing in. By the way, that first down chop I used to always do? Now it clobbers my ring opponents.
JTT: Man, Herbert Walker was saltin' up my game back then, yo. I didn't need any feds messin' with my paper. Although I confess that I used to drop the "read my lips" line to the honies on the regular. Totally worked on Soliel Moon Frye.
Kornheiser: I think the Wizards are actually sounding more like Junior Bush, with their "Mission Accomplished"-like attitudes towards this upcoming seasons. Maybe they need Eddie Jordan to install a "Pentagon" offense!
corpse of Biggie: I can fill ya wit real millionaire @#% (I can fill ya). Escargot, my car go, one sixty, swiftly. Wreck it buy a new one. Your crew run run run, your crew run run.
Scott Ian: Sure the Wizards' claims to rampen up the D again are pretty laughable, but it's not like they haven't been able to outscore their opponents in the past. George Bush's declaration and subsequent take-back ended up costing us in the long run, not to mention his chances at re-election.
T-Pain: Girl he's simpin, simpin. Walk up in the club with a limp and, limp and, Girl listen, What'cha gon' doooooo with this pimpin Girl I'ma call ya, call ya. Later on tonight or tomorrow, morrow. Now follow, What'cha gon' doooooo with this baller.