Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Apologies to douchebag fanbases north of us: your latest juggernaut of a team has been bested, again. Yes, Caron "Tuff Juice" Butler has once again penetrated and deflated this gassed-up group of green gussies in a thrilling fourth-quarter comeback that revealed so much more about these Eddie-Jordan-helmed heroes than I could have ever wanted. Most teams, when facing a fourth quarter deficit of 14 points, with less than 7 minutes remaining, against the team with the best record in the league, on the road, with thousands of bandwagon bad-accented BAAAAHstonites juiced on Sam Adams and racism shouting down their throats, would concede to garbage time, spending these remaining valuable NBA minutes to increase Oleksiy Pecherov's workload. Not these Wizards. After Tony Allen threw down an emphatic dunk, this time during actual basketball time without hilariously shredding his knee ligaments, the Wizards could have folded. But no, the Juice decided it was time to cut loose, wetting the 'tics with defensive 'tensity, hounding boardwork, and two of the prettiest game-clinching drives seen since Todd Collins was marching dink-and-dunkers through the Bears defense in on a Thursday night in front of premium cable-subscribers and Bryant Gumbel. Sensing the ref's fellation of ESPN-commercial stars, Caron entered "Little-Debbie-Snack-Cake mode," taking the ball at the top of the key, first driving left to finish at the rim drawing a foul from the cliched-ly "intense" Kevin Garnett. The and-one gave the Wiz the lead for the first time since early in the second quarter. And this was after the bawling-for-John-Thompson, faux-ferocious, insufferable Garnett was given free reign from the officials to climb Brendan Haywood's back for a rebound and a put-back. The basket plus foul shot (only the 38th consecutive freebee hit by Caron), represented the Wizards never blinking in the face of the vaunted Celtics. Paul Pierce hit a couple of foul shots to give the Celtics the lead on the next posession, leaving heroic moments to again be bestowed on Caron, who again, delivered. This time he drove right, shaking Pierce's defensive stopper tag to hit another pretty lay-in. The lead swung back to the Wiz. Ballyhooed beantowner Garnett, hounded by Haywood, bricked a turnaround (although it was an "intense" brick) on the ensuing position, and who was it, flying to the hoop for the biggest defensive rebound of the game? Caron, who, by the way, was fouled directly in the eyes, post-board. We again see that Caron doesn't wilt, hitting his 39th and 40th consecutive free throws despite having Eddie House's manicure imbedded in his cornea. Ray Allen, again failing to shake the "locksmith" Deshawn Stevenson (apologies for anything bad uttered about 50-50 here, he has been magnificent) and a face-guarding Haywood (!!), bricked a fall-away three. Deshawn grabs a board, absorbs harm, swishes two free throws, and the C's are again befuddled by the Wiz. How do ya like that Phil?

I for one, am exhausted of hearing so much about the Celtics and the ressurrection of Garnett these days. The Celtics current influx of fairweather fans began chanting "MVP" while the panderingly passionate Garnett shot "emotional" free throws, but one wonders whether they were actually directing those accented chants towards the Juice. The Wizards were never scared of Garnett, not when he constantly whined to officials whenever they would have the nerve to whistle him for making stink faces while fouling, not while Brendan Haywood and Andray Blatche were hounding him, not while Antawn Jamison was putting his misses back into the hoop, accidentally. I believe Caron emphatically wrestled away that most-valuable tag, especially after throwing one down directly in KG's grill, and swatting grovelling Garnett (called a foul by officials). Frankly, I'd rather have the Wizards current big three (replacing the hobbling Gilbert with Deshawn) than the Celtics trumped-up trio (THERES A CUTE NICKNAME). I don't see Garnett finishing the game off without help from his official friends. Caron had the officials playing "sixth-man" to the Celtics last night, but he still forced steals off of Pierce and drove past Ray Allen to extend the improbable 19-5 run. Faking passion may help some, but people don't need for Caron to display his 'tensity in an attention-whorish manner a la KG. They know his rep, they know he doesn't beg for trades, having moved cities three times. They know he doesn't only play well during a contract-year, having displayed his best ball-playing post-signing of a new deal. When Caron is on TNT, he is not for hogging the spotlight, shedding tears for John Thompson on the construction of his team (he saves his tears for Oprah). No, Caron sees the adversity provided by an extended Gilbert Arenas absence and pounces on it like he would pounce on a loose ball unearthed from Paul Pierce (or one that has sprung from Brendan Haywood's "hands"). He takes over the team and leads them to the fourth-best record in the east, fast approaching the always hot-starting, then eventually fizzling Orlando Magic.

With Caron at the helm, this team has not only stay afloat, but it has excelled. This team will be a juggernaut when Gilbert returns.

1 comment:

Dtodd said...

Great post! Love it. Man Pierce and Garnett whined their way through both of those games. What a couple of babies.