Much to the chagrin of Canada, Ovie has decided to rep the district for close to a decade and a half. Sorry frigid fringe country with wilting Queen-faced currency, Ovie is stuck in the hockey wasteland of the district for the rest of his hall-0f-fame career. Sure, Ovechkin could have signed a reasonable deal that would give him options five years from now, but he has no desire to be overpaid by the Rangers and thus underachieve in 2013. No, Ovie instead wants to keep up his historic precedent setting scoring ways in the Red, White, and Blue (not Bleu). Maybe in 2021, Don Cherry can pine for the Russian dynamo to move up north where hockey matters instead of remaining in DC, where he will likely hoist cups, being that the southeast division where they usually arrive. Surely other superstars will see the money, power and respect that donning a Capitals sweater provides and thus want to sidle up with Ovie, Semin, Green, Backstrom, and upcoming burgeoning superstar Eric Fehr. Ovie obviously seems upbeat about the team-construction process, being that he has devoted his hockey life to the Caps. Thus he has been given a permanent fixture as the Manny Acta Optimist of the Next Thirteen Years.
Unprecedented contract, unprecedented awards. One wonders whether Acta will remain coach of the Nats during this unprecedented thirteen-year span, or if he will be enshrined in Cooperstown, have an award named after him, and be elected presedent of the Dominican Republic in that time span. One also wonders whether these webspaces will still exist thirteen years later, or if Comcast will properly give the DCO it's own half-hour show (call my agent), then their own network. Maybe in thirteen years we will be writing fawning farewell columns to retiring Redskin coach Gregg Williams, another sure-fire Canton bust earner having won 7 Super Bowls and 26 straight over the Cowboys in that timeframe. After the Wizards are purchased by millionaire television personality Dan Steinberg, their name is changed back to the Bullets and they proceed to draft brilliantly, make sound trades and free agent signings and be better than the Knicks, who will suck forever.
While Ovie amasses every single Capitals record, ever, we thought that instead of noting his MAO-ness every week, we will simply give him the automatic bid for the span of his contract. And being that we have done a bit of future prediction already, we thought we would aim our always reliable predictive ways at Ovie's career-span.
2008, in a few months - Caps surge wraps up Southeast division and third seed in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. Jack Adams award winner Bruce Boudreau guides them to a decisive sweep of the hapless Penguins with Sidney Crosby netting zero points, again, and a trade request upon the season's close.
2010-ish - The Caps, anchored by the steady blue-liners Joe Finley and Karl Alzner, and Ovechkin's league-leading 72 goals, win the President's Trophy. Caps become the first-ever President's Trophy winners to not flame out in the playoffs, taking the cup in a hard-fought 7 game Stanley Cup Finals series with the Flames. Canada remains disappointed. Brooks Laich wins the Conn Smythe.
2013 - Crosby signs a 20-year deal with the Rangers. Proceeds to underachieve
2015 - Thrashers and Predators hold first ever elimination contest where a seven-game series determines the further existence of the team. A zero-zero tie stretches into a marathon shootout where Thrash coach Joe Sacco is called upon to take the franchise's final shot, as both team's entire rosters, including healthy scratches, all come up lame on their subsequent attempts. Sacco hits the post. Predators coach Tie Domi then nets the franchise winner. Story receives a one-minute notation on sportscenter after a highlight of a cricket match where a deer is hit with a bowl is shown.
2016 - Shouldn't you be at practice reports that Ovechkin is seen canoodling with Oscar-winning actress Lindsay Lohan.
2018 - Boudreau steps down after a legendary run as Caps coach, deleniating duties to new coach Donald Brashear. Brash institutes required fight-per-night policy to which three teams forfeit games, including the Crosby-saddled Rangers.
2019 - Penguins move to Portland
2021 - Ovechkin becomes the first player to have his jersey retired while playing. In front of a sell-out Verizon Center crowd (just another during a remarkable 10-year sellout streak, ticket prices rival Hannah Montana) Ovie, in perfect English, thanks the quote "greatest hockey city in the world." 'tism-TV reporter and pulitzer-winner Kelli Johnson reports that the Caps are offering Ovechkin a contract extension.