Wednesday, January 9, 2008

JOIN THE OPTIMILITIA

Trying months lie ahead, with clueless NHL "fans" snubbing Ovie, the Wizards losing post previous non-jinxing DCO post, and talk of moustachioed head coaching candidates abound. In these short weeks before the Assistant Coach-Defense is named head coach, expect the haters to be out in full force. Don't think we haven't noticed the Cowboy fan revival. Post the week 17 embarrassment, when all of those expensive #31 jerseys were relegated to the "ashamed-to-wear-it" closet along with that Hypercolor sweater and those silver Parasucos, the wagon-boys are returning to their star-clad ways now that their most threatening exposer of wackness, the skins, have been eliminated. I am sure that offensive genius (and the worst-possible, shades-of-Norv head coaching candidate) Jason Garret has his playbook fired up in lieu of gaining more than one yard of rushing versus the now slobbered-over Giants. Be sure to remind these ticket-carrying boys bandwagoneers that Marion "Menos-Seis" Barber and them sure do look phoney in the face of hungry competition. If newly-minted playoff winner Eli Manning bests his fellow playoff failure Tony Romo, expect the sudden appearance of fluttering Cowboy car-flags to flutter away like field goal attempts in the playoffs.

As if a resurgence of Cowboy fans wasn't bad enough, noted 'tism-haters, sensing blood in the water, have also begun to fire their predictable rounds at the unfortunate remnants of the Redskins braintrust, beginning with salvo-happy Sally Jenkins, who just couldn't wait to again shoot off words of discouragement at a team that has endured more than any team, evar. Likely with the Dan Snyder full-page playoff ad from 2005 in her eyesights, Sally, at once thought to have been swayed to the good side, took the discouraging retirement news as obvious that the "ice-chewing" skins braintrust ran the hall-of-famer ragged. We have already noted the last time Sally attempted to belittle the franchise, she was so totally wrong it was quite hilarious. And she couldn't respond with a Boswell-esque online retraction column that parsed the web of any signs of a previously printed prediction that a mere hours later was irrefutibly refuted in that case. When the braintrust does the right thing, removing the "Assistant" and "Defense" tags from the proper Redskins coach, expect a similar blasting of Sally in these parts.

Right in line with Sally is another frequent skins basher, and equally insufferable tool, Len Pasquarelli, who was so happy that his groan-inducing "ordinary Joe" tag stuck around that he likely had his eyes closed, smiling upward, wiggling his knees and clenching his yellowed teeth over his bottom lip while piecing together his latest self-congratulatory espn.com suckiness. I like how he notes the sage wisdom of Bill Parcells regarding returning to coaching, and how he refuses to do it because he said he was too old for it despite being 9 months younger than Joe Gibbs. Excellent analysis there Len, pretty much negating the fact that Parcells had a remarkably ho-hum tenure in Dallas just a year previously in which he won a grand total of zero playoff games, frequently earning ulcers as a result of Santana Moss. I really feel that the opinions of a washed-up coach, who exhausted many more whore-ish opportunities in many more cities, with far little success than Joe Gibbs has, with fewer super bowl results, (yet more lame Gatorade Commercials) is going to be correct in this case. Mr. Parcells isn't so much as too old to coach again as he is proven-to-be-incapable of it. Why not find another source to attribute your lame predictions to, Len.

See, with all of these haterz providing us Clinton-esque motivations, it was time for us to react in a top-five running back in the league-esque manner. We have decided to bandy up our support to form a group of constitutionally-approved fighters against all that is negative. It is time people, for you to suit up and join this optimilitia, blasting star-wearers for their poor taste in football team fandom choices. While I traversed the ramp at FedEx Field following the 27-6 complete pwnership of the boys, I met every silver-and-blue jersey with a loud, belly laugh, with my belly exposed having removed my upper clothing pieces in an effort to express an exhibitionist nature in celebration of both the win and community inebriation. My efforts were met with an expulsion from the stands by the section 447 security guy (a regular foil), but that didn't stop me from informing every 'boy bandwagoner exactly what I thought of their performance (it being laughable). I even provoked one fan to spit on me. What class these Cowboys fans have, being guests in our spacious, poorly planned, overpriced house, that when they have to endure drunken fans simply laughing at their suckiness, they respond in the most vulgar manner possible. I wore this "gentleman's" saliva as if it were another drop of December precipitation, not responding in a manner in which 'boys fans frequently respond to each other. For the satisfaction of knowing that the mere presence of my exposed girth in addition to his team's exposure of ineptitude was enough to draw him to extreme vulgarity made responding with violence unneccessary.

I expect all optimilitia members to react similarly once these dark days have passed. Ascend upon the Verizon Center during the annual "West Virginia's night out" aka the next Penguins game aka the ending of the current streak of losses to the diving darlings. The optimilitia was present at the Wizards game last night, both happy with Andray Blatche's peskiness and the appearance of Alex Ovechkin, who did the "I Can't Feel My Face" DeShawn Stevenson dance on the jumbotron, likely in response to Don Cherry, John Buccigross, Canada, et al calling for his trade from this supposedly decrepit hockey town. I am sure that frequent Wizards game attender Ovechkin wouldn't be too happy in Ottawa, Calgary, Vancouver, Edmonton, or Montreal, all cities with no discernable professional basketball to watch on an off-day, and while the dinosaurs somehow haven't moved from Toronto, they remain negligible and without any players doing any cool dances.

The optimilitia sees Ovechkin staying in DC, utilizing the tutelige of Barry-Melrose-annointed coach of the year Bruce Boudreau to motor into the playoffs THIS year. We also see Head Coach-everything Gregg Williams leading his merry Redskins to a second consecutive postseason birth, likely earning more playoff victories than the Cowboys have earned in the previous 11 years! Stop whining, and don't be a Sally. Enlist now!

2 comments:

bozoette said...

Where do I sign?

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