First-Place Wizards Still in First Place

CHARLOTTE, April 2 — After winning half of their games played this weekend, the First-Place Washington Wizards remain atop their Southeast Division. In front of another sell-out crowd Friday night, the First-Place Washington Wizards continued their competitive play, keeping the game tied until the final buzzer, where it took another whole period for them to finally succumb to what obviously amounted to an off night. In fact, the game was such a bright spot in sports that highlights were shown often throughout the weekend. Sure Michael Ruffin may have made one of the most bone-headed plays since Freddy Brown threw his no-look to James Worthy, but the important thing to remember is that he is a great person, one who excells off the court in community affairs and according to Steve Buckhandz, is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. See? He really shouldn't die in his sleep. Besides, it was the First-Place Washington Wizards who ultimately won being that they reside in a country that isn't completely unneccessary.

While their original 13-game win streak was ultimately halted, a new 11-game win-streak plan began on Sunday in the very unfriendly confines of Milwaukee, a city known for its beer, lack of activity, and resulting obesity. The First-Place Washington Wizards continued their winning ways by crushing the lottery-suckitude-bound Bucks 121-107 in a game not broadcast on television due to the NBA's insistence that America be shown Michael Doleac unimpeded. It was in this game that the great Caron Butler, shown above on a very special episode of Oprah, managed to play so outside of the realm of humanity that his body could no longer bear the awesomeness and ended up giving up on him like a Prince Georges County teenager's parents. Playing extra tight defense on convicted rapist Ruben Patterson, Butler's hand met with the back board, shattering both (according to witnesses). Butler will remain sidelined for the remainder of the season and the first round of the playoffs, Ruben Patterson remains at large.

Despite the First-Place Washington Wizards relatively unimpressive record without the man nicknamed "Tough Juice," the team remains upbeat. "I'm going to stay positive," said Butler, who despite having a devastating injury, did not need the theatrics of a wheel-chair unlike the "Darling" Dwyane Wade, whose Converse-sponsored injury act has been broadcast worldwide. Also unlike the "Darling," Caron's next practice won't be a national news item, as the glorified free-throw shooting, referee-dinner parting throwing nancy-boy's is. "Darling's" team was fondled by a bunch of Wizards ex-pats Sunday afternoon in front of America on ABC's NBA Game that will be the only one seen today special.