Etan Thomas Responds to Tom Knott (again)

We here at the DC Optimist haven't bothered wasting time covering the non-issue involving Gilbert Arenas and his financial desires. The non-point, non-issue became further moot after Gilbert eased all Washingtonians' fears as well as delighted all of the internets once again with a fanciful blog post that addressed his contract situation along with other important concerns like riding a bike without a helmet, Larry Hughes's undergarmets and video game championships. Of course that didn't stop frequent 'tism-hater Tom Knott from wagging his fingers all over his laptop in a column bashing the Agent's contract decisions. Thankfully, the bloggers have responded and Knott was once again left to look Sally Jenkins-esque in his foolhardiness. But we thought another voice was needed to K.O. Knott. In a "war" of printed words last year, Wizards center Etan Thomas got into "debate mode" over his dual role as both a mediocre center and a thoughtful public speaker with the gruff Moonie-paper columnist. Thomas came out the victor of this brief beef, and unlike many of his games, he was consistent with his points. We sought out Etan for his thoughts on the recent bashing of his teammate by the MC Eiht to his DJ Quik. His response is below:

The other day I was driving my hybrid through the dilapidated streets of Washington DC, searching for a place to park so that I could enjoy a serving of fresh falafel, free of slaughtered animals, when I encountered a copy of your "great republican" newspaper, serving as a bed-sheet to a homeless transient. Ironic, I thought, that it is Knott's blowhardiness serving to warm this disenfranchised soul. After offering my 20-oz jug of wheat grass juice to the man in exchange for his bedspread (he took 20 dollars instead), I read over your latest bashing of African Americans living in this country. How long will we have to live with your racism, Mr. Knott? My teammate Gilbert Arenas may not have the wherewithal to deliver me the rock when I am free on the low block, but he is true with his intentions as a business person in America. What is wrong with a brother looking to maximize his financial means?

I was once a hungry rookie on the Washington bench, fiending for the opportunity to show off my potential to the Wizards' management, and after my impressive 03-04, I was rewarded with a contract that is critical to the team's success. I knew that with my financial future on the line, I would play as if my dreads were posessed by Jah himself, and afterwards, I would reap the rewards. I only see the play of Gilbert as going in the same direction, granted he passes me the ball every four or five posessions. The new contract, like the haters, will be his motivation, much like annihilating prejudice from the minds of bitter, unathletic sports columnists has always been mine.

Maybe you didn't know that while I was earning my degree from the prestigious Syracuse University, I was also serving as captain of the debate team, poet laureate and all-time shot block leader. I feel obligated to speak my mind when it comes to issues that involve racism, as most of your columns tend to do (and don't think I didn't notice your labelling of me as "The Poet" once again, as if having a literary-mindedness somehow is cause for jokes). I also have a problem with these websites that attempt to imitate my writing style in an effort to draw laughs at the expense of me and my mission. Laugh it up in your office cubicles; you are not out on the front lines speaking for the disenfranchised. Since everyone loves to affix me with this "poet" label, here's some battle rhymes I wrote for all of you:

I see you affixing your labels

eyes like post it notes

neon with hatred

none will attach

when my hands is slippery

Try to move me

but I won't budge

paper motivation like one sentence paragraphs

dramatic

but fleeting

*author may not be Etan Thomas

Overheard at Brendan and Etan's date

Recently, much-maligned Washington Wizards centers Brendan Haywood and Etan Thomas mended their torn dreadlock of a relationship. According to Ernie Grunfeld, "they went on a date the other night, they're real good friends now." The DCOptimist was at the scene of this "big" date and we transcribe the encounter below.

--The two enter the posh Ozio for a late lunch, pulling up at a chair in a lightly-lit section to the rear.

Haywood: Man, that playoff series sure was tough wasn't it. I for one have had a problem with the officiating.

Thomas: Tis true. I relate it to a few bars I have been working on for my next protest rally. I call it, "LeBlanco Games" peep game:

My heart lie unbeaten,
yet remaining virulent,
for even the truest warriors,
cannot withstand the system
When color is whistled by the white-striped zebra,
the play is called by Imus.

Haywood: Word. I bet if that blasted Eddie Jordan would have put me in the game, Big Z wouldn't have been so dominant. Shoot, Z was saying it himself!

Thomas: Thus is the struggle, young Brendan. Athletes frankly need a voice in this league and I can only purport your languishes on the wooden slave ship of the bench to the "great republican party." Would he have had the same reaction to Darko Milicic, Rasho Nesterovic or Nenad Krstic?

Haywood: So you sayin' that it wasn't Eddie's obvious hatred of me and my offbeat contributions?

Thomas: Brendan, this league was built by the white man and it is sold to the white man. Do you think they want to see one of their own consistently shut out by one of us brothers? Open your eyes man. Why do you think Steve Nash is always the MVP?

--Haywood picks up a piece of complimentary bagguette. Before he can make a move to butter it, the piece slips from his hand onto the floor.

Haywood: True, but Nash don't want it with me. Besides, coach is black.

Thomas: Don't let me get in debate mode young Brendan. Coach Jordan is a pawn of the ultimately white system that is the National Basketball Association. It's the same way that I was denied my original starting position earlier this season. The powers that be could no longer stand for an authoritative black force in the paint.

Haywood: Maybe you're right 'tan. I just can't seem to figure out how to get on coach's good side. I mean, it's hard being a center on this team. I know my three step fadeaway is an unknown commodity in this league, that is why I utilize it with every minute I can get. People just don't see how big sexy's post moves have the element of surprise.

Thomas: I fully understand, B. The league no longer wants us to think so much as it wants us to promote their product and play nice.

--waiter arrives with a glass of fresh-squeezed wheat grass juice, and a coke.

Haywood (in a rage after taking a sip): I ordered diet you idiot! Yo manager, replace this waiter now. If he is not replaced, I am leaving! Who is this guy to ignore my requests?

Thomas: Sometimes waiters make a mistake that is so unbelievably blatant that it renders you speechless, left without a response or reaction, until you think about it at a later date. You could have interpreted this as a bad mistake by a service-worker who should be more focused on making the correct drink orders than selling cokes that aren’t diet. Or you could take this as a blatant slap in the face. You could make the connection to a larger problem in society that deals with obliviousness and stereotypes. Is it an unfortunate reality that many people are still dwelling in the pit of ignorance?

--Etan, now visibly upset, attempts to throw a piece of the bread at the waiter. Misses badly. Haywood then picks up another piece of bread to throw at the waiter, also misses badly. A second free and open attempt by Thomas hits.

Waiter: Hey! You can't do that just because you are basketball players.

Thomas: Excuse me?! What did you just call me? There are certain statements that will always remain in my permanent recollection. This waiter has just been added to that list. I’m not looking to squeeze an apology from you; don’t even want one. Why would you apologize for the way that you feel? That’s like Michael Richards apologizing for his racist, hateful rant. Not likening this waiter to Kramer, but don’t apologize for something you’re not sorry about. If you simply regret that people may look at you differently as a result of your feelings, well, that’s an apology you can keep.

Haywood: Word. This restaurant needs my presence. I am the best big man here. I think I may leave a few seconds before the check arrives, removing my signed picture from the wall and taking it with me.

Thomas: This waiter has created the public perception that we players were once again unjustly complaining about something we weren’t happy with. Creating an overall illusion — no matter how off base or completely wrong it is — can change the public perception of what is being implemented. Furthermore, it can garner support for something the implementer knows is wrong. We saw this with the invasion of Iraq.

--Thomas and Haywood are asked to leave, as their contributions to this meal were minimal at best. Haywood proves relatively easy to move, but Thomas' bulky contract prevents many other restaurants from accepting him.

Big Nights from Songaila, Thomas, and Arenas Keep Wiz in Playoff Hunt

CHARLOTTE, April 3 — Several Wizards picked up the slack for injured forward Caron Butler Tuesday night in Charlotte, as the Wizards continued their playoff push playing four quarters of basketball in Charlotte. Using the game as a warm-up for worthy competition, the Wizards innovatively decided to see what it was like not playing defense at all as opposed to not playing defense frequently, ultimately ending up non-victorious, 102-122.

But the lack of defense, effort, passion, guile, heart, and constitution didn't deter significant contributions from a few. Gilbert Arenas torched the Bobcats with 33 points and seven assists while offseason acquisition Darius Songaila continued his ascension from "who?" to "maybe he doesn't suck" status with 16 points on 8 of 9 shooting. The night was so special for Songaila that after a rare missed layup from the token power-forward-having-a-career-night-against-the-wiz Gerald Wallace, the potential rebound bounded off of Songaila's milky shoulder into the opposition's basket. You can't even practice a bucket like that! Wallace was credited with the bucket along with 32 other points 14 rebounds, 2 blocks, and 3 steals, likely cementing someone's fantasy championship.

Etan Thomas, never one to back down (without travelling, HA!) from having great stats in a blowout, asserted his position as Eddie Jordan's center-of-(the moment) choice with 17 points and 14 rebounds. Thomas was likely saying "Take that," to rival sulking center Brendan Haywood, who played nine minutes of turnover-ing registering one point and one pout. Jordan's patented "punish Brendan with the bench" technique lead the mercurial 7-footer to have a great stretch of play earlier in the season before Haywood ultimately became bored with the whole playing-in-the-NBA thing.

The always creative Eddie Jordan found ways to short-circuit momentum in lieu of resting players who will be needed for tonight's rematch in D.C. even inserting George Washington alum Mike Hall in the third quarter, registering a bucket and a story for his attention-lacking future grandchildren. Jordan's jazzy (not the Utah kind) brand of line-ups this season has become a great unpredictable aspect of what should have been a strong Eastern Conference contender. With Butler having a 6-week lay-off, Jordan is given even more opportunity to screw around with minutes. Tonight's starting lineup featured Jordan fave Jarvis Hayes, who continues to wrestle with effective basketball play.

The Wizards are obviously looking past the hilariously named Bobcats (even if Walter Herrman's hair is totally glorious, and simply must be seen) instead challenging themselves, kind of like the way Gilbert handicapped himself in that shoot-out with Deshawn Stevenson. Eddie's funky line-ups, Haywood's lack of desire, the team's lack of defense-playing, Butler's lack of left hand; all self-imposed challenges made to prep them for the playoffs. Ignore Wilbon.