Ernie Grunfeld Practices DCO Mantra, Resigns Key Cog(s)

Surely the latest playoff non-triumph delivered via the whimpering LeBron James and his striped cronies would cause the Wizards' certified Genius Manager (GM) Ernie Grunfeld to destroy anything even remotely resembling the 2007-2008 Wizards in lieu of a newer, younger, bigger, playoff-winnier, internet-friendlier team, right? Wrong. Grunfeld, a certified practicer of the DCO's patented mantra ("Relax, everything is going to be fine") has instead decided that the team that again almost beat the cohesive basketball-destroying floppers from Cleveland should remain pretty much intact, brilliantly re-upping all-star awesome Antawn Jamison for four more years, and working towards locking up Gilbert Arenas for what's looking like six years, after which both of their jerseys will mine the rafters next to all of those Mystics attendance championships.

And before you complain-blog about "keeping intact a mediocre team," and blaspheme this brilliant managerial move towards stability, which did not involve acquiring some aged, broken down center as some doofus suggested back when he still maintained a regular position at this blog, keep in mind that this team has yet to truly harness their combined worth. I'd tabulate all of their actual games played together, but then I'd just take work away from Bullets Forever, or I guess I could just link to some post where they have already postulated on this topic. Anyways, while the big three were intact, the Wiz were in first place, and while the wiz were in pieces, they beat the vaunted best team in the league. (Jamison in particular was beasting on the "intense" Garnett) Maintaining the structure of a first-place team is something that highly-approved team-constructors do.

Another thing highly-approved team constructors do is draft well. And after taking in every lamely protracted draft ranking and draft diary, I must say, new Wizard 7-footer JaVale Magee is certified grade-A draft earning material. Why? Naturally, with the Wiz having solid contributors to just about every position combined with a draft that is noticably lacking in talent outside of the first three studs, the predilection for finding a real contributor in these meandering rounds resembles a crap shoot. Thus, taking on a seven foot project, who has an insanely strong basketball pedigree (hmm, what other DC-based superstar has a hoops-playing Mom? Did he just pwn the entire NHL last year?) a wingspan that rivals secret covert ops planes housed in Langley, and an ability to "run the floor" that causes stiffs in Charlotte to cower, was a great decision that smart, foundation-building planners routinely take. Of all people to agree, Michael Wilbon was even on board, not so much as applauding the Grun-trust's decision to go with a Dwight-stopper, as he was hoisting the Wizards' decision-making prowess to the levels of their lauded playoff neighbors. With Magee, Andray Blatche, Nick Young, Domenic McGuire, and Oleksiy Pecherov, there are enormous, young, talented ballers that could cause match-up problems for entire seasons. The buying and selling of tweening prospect Billy Walker to the Celtics was a blip on the radar that likely registers more in De Moines' NBDL plans than in DC, where Ivan Carter assured the 90-thousand or so freaking out in the comment section, that Walker had no chance of cracking the lineup.

Plus, with the selling of this chip, Grunfeld opens up the possibility of retaining the only other questionable piece to this puzzle, the supposed odd-man-out, Roger "The Wheaton Weapon" Mason Jr. According to everyone, like much of the home-grown business that will soon be jettisonned from my 'hood in favor of sleeker, chain-ier stuff, Mason is likely not going to hang around. But with the cash saved in both Jamison's team-first paycut, and the dealing of Walker, Mason could, maybe, be retained.

Stability, punctuated with ground-building efforts from the bottom up. A great gameplan for both your sub-prime mortgaged house and for the construction of the Wiz, whose foreman continues to display traits of brilliance influenced by the 'tism. Here's to the Wiz making some serious noise in 08-09, and not of the "Ow I have torn my crucial joint thingy!" variety.

"One of those Manly Games"

That quote is from playoff-bound Wizards coach Eddie Jordan regarding his team pwning the constantly vaunted Boston Celtics and their best record in the league for a third straight time. It references a style of play where 'men' emerge from the pomp, circumstance, anticipation nerves and pressure packing that usually belie a team that has withstood much in the way of adversity on their way to another successful season. The 'manliness' that was on display in front of 20,000-plus at the Verizon Center became glaringly apparent when Antawn Jamison shook an "intense" Kevin Garnett on the baseline with a post move, swung left and blasted a dunk over the grill of Kendrick Perkins. On the next play, Garnett, who earlier managed to toss two no-look passes into the stands, attempted to post up Jamison, only to have the ball deflected off of his leg by non-nicknamed number 4 and his inherrent tenacity. One wonders if Garnett, who couldn't help but recognize the swagger of the Wiz after the game, cried to John Thompson after seeing the highlights (at least he managed to block some shots after the whistle. INTENSELY).

We were supposed to be mourning this Wizards team, after Jamison and Deshawn "Man" Stevenson crumbled during that freak jump ball and subsequent Buckhantz "NOOOOOOOO!" against the Bucks, but as we noted earlier, this team can withstand gut punches, much like Andray Blatche withstood gunshots and Oleksiy Pecherov withstood the screams in terror of young children who bear witness to his ghastliness. That is why the Wizards remain the manliest team in the league. When the Miami Heat received a few injurious days, they withered like the pages of an old paper back, with on-again, off-again head coach Pat Riley taking "scouting trips" during the more mundane required schedule appearances. Quitting in the face of adversity is not manly.

Neither is posturing, as the intense KG continued to do last night despite being worked up and down the court by Jamison and Brendan Haywood. Remember before the year started when Gilbert was on a media rampage, and he made some comments about not double-teaming Garnett in the clutch and it lead to a bunch of people bad mouthing him and Bostonians to lose their chowdah? Geez, Gilbert sure is sounding clairvoyant now, despite weathering the boos of a lustful Boston crowd in the only non-successful meeting between the C's that occurred after his fateful interview with Dime. It reminds me of other sets of clairvoyant predictions made in these parts. Could weathering the maelstrom and emerging in a strong playoff position be in the cards for the Nationals? We think so!

Now that the real big three have returned, it is time to properly get excited about the Wiz. The fourth seed could be secured in a very Caps-like fashion if the next four games are won, and Cleveland falters slightly. A first-round matchup with those hated Cavs, who, barring the intervention of marketing-minded referees, shouldn't be much of a problem, as shouldn't a second rounder with those Celtics and their vauntedness.

A Throwback Wizards Game/Season/Mindstate

Last night, in a move that wasn't surprising, at least to us, Gilbert Arenas returned to the lineup to score 17 points off the bench for the Wiz in a game where they lead pretty much the whole time, all the way up to the end in fact. Gilbert, as per his usual flair-for-the-dramatic ways, kept Wizards beat writers, the internet, sports talk 980, etc all on the edge of their press boxed and cubicled seats regarding his decision to ignore sound medical advice and abstain from game action during that so-so west coast road trip, only to skip shoot around, make statements about his non-playing status, and then play. Mr. Cliche'd Quirk suited up in one of those number zero jerseys that are freely tossed into the stands after games and sank his first four shots. Rust was not really displayed as he managed to exude a bit of his patented clutch-osity hitting two free throws at the end of regulation. It reminded us that it has been a long year of waiting for the Wiz to finally return to full strength.

So with that close-to-full complement of Wizards players, the team returned to their Eastern-Conference-leading-at-one-point ways by losing in heart-gouging fashion to a team so beneath them, playing defense reminiscent of last season's legendary squad. Also similar to their recent glorious past, key players managed to injure themselves in a most awe-f*&%$-inspiring manner. As if the good lord was hand-guiding them in that final fateful few seconds, both Antawn Jamison and DeShawn Stevenson managed to injure themselves simultaneously on a dive for a loose ball a mere seconds before a d-leaguer sank a freakin... seriously, you can't script fatefull season endings of this magnitude. (I am hearing a certain twinkling piano-still photo montage commercial in my head about "Amazing" things...)

But with this recent blast-from-the-past style of play, one can (make a flailing attempt to) look to the positives. Back in those days when "not possibles" rained down from marginal players, and centers were both brawling and bawling (and not ballin') and crucial ligaments and bones shredded at the most inopportune times, etc et-f&*%in cetera, the play of Gilbert Arenas was nothing short of spectacular. These types of losses happened frequently, even before they started to really happen even more frequently when Arenas and Butler's seasons bit the proverbial dust (remember the Donaghy-assisted depleted Iverson trade-Nuggets loss post-60-pointer? That gawd awful Atlanta Hawks Caron-is-finally-back game?). The Wiz were able to withstand those soul-crushers, just like they were able to withstand soul-crushing injuries, soul-crushing refereeings, soul-crushing home crowds, soul-crushing draft picks, and soul-crushing blog posts that eventually jinxed whatever goodness surrounded the team in an alarmingly short time period. The Magnetic Resonance Imaging results from 'tawn's shoulder are to arrive soon making the past look like it may eerily repeat itself, but instead of huddling into the fetal position, chanting "Nats undefeated, Caps playing meaningful games" to yourself while you soil your Jared Jeffries jersey, think about the good parts of the past. Try. Seriously.

The Wizards Not Losing Playoff Positioning

You could, like some people (me) smash your head with your Comcast remote after seeing the Wizards blow another late fourth quarter lead against a team whose existence seems to be mainly for either jockeying for lottery ball positioning, or providing comedic routines for hack sportscenter anchors, but then afterwards, while nursing a sore forehead and bearing the brunt of your significant other calling you a child, while wondering why you don't just live by yourself --than you wouldn't have to deal with this constant scrutiny, and you could watch the Wizards lose soul-crushers to the Knicks in peace and not be called a child while ramming universal remotes into your face (which consequently didn't change the station), but then you might look foolish. Because that game last night, no matter how much it made you crave self-mutilation, didn't really matter outside of bearing the brunt of a Knick fanbase that despite a few years of "suffering" remain as intermittently hateable as all fans of New York- (or New Jersey)-based sports teams.

The Wizards still hold firm to that sixth seed in the East, and they continue to do so without the services of, well pretty much everyone who matters, not to mention the services of offensive cohesion, defensive non-chokiness, and adequate player substitutions. You could blame the loss last night on the sudden bone-headedness of Antonio Daniels, who last night was hell-bent on providing one ghastly turnover to balance out his assist-to-turnover perfection, in addition to his lack of ever being able to make a freakin' shot. You could also blame the loss on Eddie Jordan, rightfully uplifted for his coddling of the team together during the hard-fought Gilbert-less recent months, now resorting to benching the only remaining dynamic scorer (Nickname Young, still sitting despite actually lighting the Knicks on fire, a fire put out during a time-out by Zach Randolph [a fiery situation completely ignored by the increasingly excruciating TV play-by-play team of Phil Chenier and Steve Buckhantz. Phil and Buck, please wake up out of your elderly slumber and stop sucking. I don't care if you are a part of what looks to be the greatest bobble-head night of all time, your suckiness has me resorting to putting on a time-delayed Dave Johnson and Glenn {Knick-lover} Consor on a clock radio that hummed an ear-piercing tune of death during the first half.] Where was I?) oh yeah, Eddie Jordan, what is the deal, bro? Darius Songaila has pretty much resorted to sucking completely, why does he get minutes while highly entertaining, and occassionally effective Oleksiy Pecherov sits on the bench, not being able to jack up unneccessary three-balls? Why run isolation plays where the entire team watches Roger Mason Jr., chuck up a Gilbert-sized three-ball with seven left on the shot clock? Why does Jamison not see the ball for the final possession?

So many questions, yet only one truly remains viable: When will we get our freakin' guys back? Well, according to reports out of the gym, soon. So while last night sucked worse than a typical Hayden Christiansen acting performance, the understanding that help, in the form of finally healthy Gilbert and Etan, not to mention velvet-jacketed Caron Butler is on the way ought to be comforting. Just listen to a non-trading, pat-standing, tis-dom purveyor and Wiz bozz Ernie Grunfeld's assessment of the team:

"I like this team," Wizards President Ernie Grunfeld said. "We just have to get healthy and see what we can do here in these final 30 games."

See? Everything will be fine in due time. Now I am getting some ice.

Seattle Loses to Washington

That's right, according to our bffs over at Bulletsforever, the Washington sports teams have defeated their inferior opponents from that dreary western "other Washington" after the awfully adequate Wizards vanquished their unworthy competitor by such a large margin that assistant coaches Phil Hubbard and Dave Hopla were suiting up for garbage-time minutes.

The Wizards continue to stay afloat minus their other superstar, Gilbert Arenas, who seems to be comfortable pwning the internet whilst taking his sweet time to nurture his cursed knee. Speaking of curses, thankfully, both BF and I posted this column after the Seattle beatdown, instead of Tom "Kiss of Death" Boswell, whose last two predictive pieces have been consecutive written versions of Matt Hasslebeck's overtime pep talk vs. the Packers in '03 (also seen in Howard Dean's campaign trail as well). I am starting to believe he has jinxing material mixed in with his gracious 'tism. Should we be concerned that his glorious Nats-World Series predictions during the winter meetings will instead end up with Elijah Dukes being arrested for sending threatening glares to Kelli Johnson while the team moves away to Portland?

Lets not have any sort of 'tism inhibition session here; we need an extra heaping dose of it with the good coach stepping down, and people discussing a certain moustachioed replacement instead of the proper (HINT: assistant coach: Defense) replacement. Well, actually, there has been some good fortune in Washington. First of all, blogger is no longer disabled at the DCO headquarters! And second of all, the Wizards have been the recipients of a gracious path to the postseason while Gilbert takes his time with therapy. As if there were anything for the Wizards to be thankful for regarding injuries, they have been receiving that gold-paved-road treatment with their recent opponent history. Jeez, you would think the way the Wizards encounter teams as soon as they lose key starters, they would resemble, say, the Seahawks. For the umpteenth consecutive time, the Wizards were able to face a team minus it's Wizards-killer, in this case being occasional effort-outputter Chris Wilcox, who was missing from the game with a dislocated finger. In the previous game (another 20+ DIF belittling), the Milwaukee Bucks were without their superstar Michael Redd (did they ever have him?). Tonight, they face a Houston team without their brittle commercial poser, Tracy McGrady, who fought bouts of health for the beginning of this pretty disappointing Rockets early season. The manner in which the Wizards have treated these foes, laughing in their face when they whine about their list of disableds, has been admirable. Other things have been pretty sweet in the recent Wizards-weeks (of which Bobtimist was lost somewhere in the internet, trying to decipher this youtube).

In that Bucks-besmirching, it was nice to see the Wizards actually decimate a team filled with all of their also-rans (Simmons, Ruffin, Storee), unlike in their last loss against Detroit, home of the guaranteed-Bullet-redemption, with their latest convert, Jarvis-freakin'-Hayes in tow. Not unlike a certain flighty-goal-scoring-defenseman who coughs up playoff-clinching goals only to end up on that team years later to both help and torment the Capitals (btw: sweet youtube here), Jarvis returned to Verizon and brought his seldomly-silky-smooth jumper, where **of course** it rains threes in crucial Wiz-coming-from-behind moments. Jarvis was seen talking to the crowd before sitting down, grudgingly answering questions like, "Where the *$%! was that last year, the year before that, and the year before that?" with shrugs. It was nice to see the old Jarvis return earlier in the game, when Andray Blatche fouled him to the floor where he winced, in familiarity.

So, despite Detroit's Wizards-abetted existence, the team remains in great shape, and another reason they remain in such a fantastic position, one I haven't been properly expounding on, as been the play of Caron "Tuff Juice" Butler. Good lawd, the juice is loose, ladies and gentlemen! Besides all of the statistical what-not that Caron has been improving on across the board, he has emitted a sort of rugged, win-first, get-a-triple-double-second, posterize foreigners-third mentality that just floors me. Why is he the heart and soul of this team? Well it could be his "tuff" upbringing, where instead of running screen and rolls under the stern supervision of a slightly abusive daddy, leading to years of moody off court problems, and a possible rape charge, the Juice was running drugs as a hopper in Racine. He played ball for sweets while locked up in solitary. Regailing over his youth-hood almost seems cliched, but I would like to see one of these spoon-fed basketball prodigies deliver a story that even remotely compares.

Etan Thomas Responds to Tom Knott (again)

We here at the DC Optimist haven't bothered wasting time covering the non-issue involving Gilbert Arenas and his financial desires. The non-point, non-issue became further moot after Gilbert eased all Washingtonians' fears as well as delighted all of the internets once again with a fanciful blog post that addressed his contract situation along with other important concerns like riding a bike without a helmet, Larry Hughes's undergarmets and video game championships. Of course that didn't stop frequent 'tism-hater Tom Knott from wagging his fingers all over his laptop in a column bashing the Agent's contract decisions. Thankfully, the bloggers have responded and Knott was once again left to look Sally Jenkins-esque in his foolhardiness. But we thought another voice was needed to K.O. Knott. In a "war" of printed words last year, Wizards center Etan Thomas got into "debate mode" over his dual role as both a mediocre center and a thoughtful public speaker with the gruff Moonie-paper columnist. Thomas came out the victor of this brief beef, and unlike many of his games, he was consistent with his points. We sought out Etan for his thoughts on the recent bashing of his teammate by the MC Eiht to his DJ Quik. His response is below:

The other day I was driving my hybrid through the dilapidated streets of Washington DC, searching for a place to park so that I could enjoy a serving of fresh falafel, free of slaughtered animals, when I encountered a copy of your "great republican" newspaper, serving as a bed-sheet to a homeless transient. Ironic, I thought, that it is Knott's blowhardiness serving to warm this disenfranchised soul. After offering my 20-oz jug of wheat grass juice to the man in exchange for his bedspread (he took 20 dollars instead), I read over your latest bashing of African Americans living in this country. How long will we have to live with your racism, Mr. Knott? My teammate Gilbert Arenas may not have the wherewithal to deliver me the rock when I am free on the low block, but he is true with his intentions as a business person in America. What is wrong with a brother looking to maximize his financial means?

I was once a hungry rookie on the Washington bench, fiending for the opportunity to show off my potential to the Wizards' management, and after my impressive 03-04, I was rewarded with a contract that is critical to the team's success. I knew that with my financial future on the line, I would play as if my dreads were posessed by Jah himself, and afterwards, I would reap the rewards. I only see the play of Gilbert as going in the same direction, granted he passes me the ball every four or five posessions. The new contract, like the haters, will be his motivation, much like annihilating prejudice from the minds of bitter, unathletic sports columnists has always been mine.

Maybe you didn't know that while I was earning my degree from the prestigious Syracuse University, I was also serving as captain of the debate team, poet laureate and all-time shot block leader. I feel obligated to speak my mind when it comes to issues that involve racism, as most of your columns tend to do (and don't think I didn't notice your labelling of me as "The Poet" once again, as if having a literary-mindedness somehow is cause for jokes). I also have a problem with these websites that attempt to imitate my writing style in an effort to draw laughs at the expense of me and my mission. Laugh it up in your office cubicles; you are not out on the front lines speaking for the disenfranchised. Since everyone loves to affix me with this "poet" label, here's some battle rhymes I wrote for all of you:

I see you affixing your labels

eyes like post it notes

neon with hatred

none will attach

when my hands is slippery

Try to move me

but I won't budge

paper motivation like one sentence paragraphs

dramatic

but fleeting

*author may not be Etan Thomas

DC Sports Stars Grace Video Game Covers

Recently, Gilbert Arenas has been added to the prestigious panthenon of Washington Sports stars whose mugs have graced the cover of video games. Electronic Arts is banking on Gilbert's appeal to push their NBA Live game franchise into new levels and hopefully avoid a late season swoon. Gilbert, a noted video-gamer, is understandably excited (old-fogey hand-wringers who have a problem with it ought to get a Wii nunchuck "shoryukened" up their hindparts). Of course Gilbert isn't the first Washington sports superstar to have a video game cover. Here the DCO recounts the last few video games where prominent Washington Athletes have been the star.

Alexander Ovechkin - NHL '07 for Playstation and XBox consoles. It was just another shot for Ovechkin, as he was rewarded the sweet cover after he lead the league in shots his rookie year, in addition to leading rookies in goals and points. The game was pretty eh, as was his follow up season. EA promises that next year's version will be muuuuuch muuuuuuch better and that we should trust them.

Deshawn Stevenson - Xtreme Accuracy Shooting for PC. After a playoff series in which this gunner really showed off his accurracy, Stevenson, also gunning for a new contract, was able to secure this lucrative deal with a shooting simulator. The game features realistic tests of accuracy and it becomes impossibly tough to hit anything in the later "post-season" levels.

Jarvis Hayes - Chuck Rock for PC. Hayes was rewarded this video game shoot for launching into his first playoff series. Jarvis's fanbase was noticeably excited regarding the deal, and the game-makers at CORE put together quite a cover. Chuck Rock also has a sequel in the works, but unfortunately for CORE, their output is woefully inconsistent.

Dan Snyder - Championship Manager for PC. After another brilliant offseason of multiple intelligent personnell moves and favorable media coverage, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder was given the opportunity to represent all great football managers on the cover of this ambitious simulator. The game may have its flaws, but fans of it remain undettered and consistently buy it, no matter how bad some versions have been. This is actually the second time Snyder has graced the cover of a video title. While a burgeoning mogul, Snyder was tabbed for the cover of this rather dull stock market title, Invest:

(looks like him, doesn't it?)

Eddie Jordan and Brendan Haywood - Wizard Warz for PC. This ambitious title features two mediocre spellcasters "coach" and "wood", one with more authority, the other with a disagreeable disposition, divided over their mutual roles in a Wizard academy. The gist of the game lies in making sure the two coexist peacefully. When both are at their peak output, the points soar and the victories mount, but when one is upset with the other, destruction occurs. In the end, only one will remain. It is up to you to decide.

And while it isn't a cover, game maker Data East noticed the motivational talent of Nats manager Manny Acta and gave him a key cameo in their video game classic, Bad Dudes. Here's a screencap.

Gilbert to Return in Time for Championship Parade

The Magnetic Resonance Imaging results on Wizards' guard Gilbert Arenas revealed what looked to be a rift in the meniscus-time continuum, likely leaving him out of action until the Wizards celebrate their inevitable championship on the streets of DC, where he will be 100%.

With 66.6 (coincidence?)% of the Wizards' big three out for the remainder of the regular season and the beginning of the playoffs, many fans are less than optimistic. However, with solid contributions from guys who have not been contributing during the more competitive stages of the Wizards season, the loss shouldn't amount to much. For example, Antonio Daniels, given starter duties last night by eerily prophetic coach Eddie Jordan, had a career high in assists. Etan Thomas has returned to first-two-games-of-the-season form with double digit points and rebounds in consecutive games. Antawn Jamison remains upright as well, averaging 19+ points and almost 10 rebounds, and Darius Songaila, although Jarvis-esque last night, is rearing into some sort of eggshell-colored form. Brendan Haywood, with the pressure of legitimate competition likely behind him, ought to return to pre-sulk levels of loopy post moves and fumbled put-backs. Lets not forget midseason call-up Mike Hall, who has been a small, acne-like blip (thank you High-Definition) on the Wizards lineup radar. Everyone loves this kid, a few even for his basketball talents.

See, they are almost there! And to help the Wizards retain their focus for the playoffs, the DCO has put together a list of to-dos for the Wiz to finish up their 9-game win streak, motor into the playoffs and crush any team they face, whether the other team wants to face them or really wants to face them.

1. Have Daniels average more than 17 assists per game. Shouldn't be a problem now that he has the offense at his command, even while Eddie Jordan makes the decision to keep him on the bench in order to watch the lead evaporate. Daniels ought to continue barrelling through the lane hitting cutters (no, not the Wizards fanbase), and pulling up for his occasionally reliable jumpshot.

2. Have Etan average more than 17 points and 10 boards. He's motivated, he is smallish for his position, he tends to scream a lot and he has dreds. No one predicted Lil Jon's rise to popularity either. (WHAT!?)

3. Have Jamison average more than 19 points and 10 boards and remain upright. Alright, this is looking like the same team that lost back to backs to the Charlotte-freakin'-Bobcats, but if Jamison can be the third (non-sprained) leg of this new big three, the Wiz ought to at least beat the Hawks (MAGIC NUMBER STILL = 1)

4. Have Mike Hall breakout (sorry).

5. Have Andray Blatche get healthy, fullfill his potential, and transform into Kevin Garnett like the internet says he will.

There are still tickets remaining for the Cleveland game too!

Anatomy of a Knee Sprain

With the Wizards having so much trouble with knee sprains this season, we here at the DCOptimist have decided to look into what exactly might cause such a frequent problem for the Wizards. The knee sprain is basically a slight strain of one of the three knee ligaments, the Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL), the Lateral Cruciate Ligament (LCL), or the Median Cruciate Ligament (MCL). The injury usually occurs when God, in a wrath unexplanatory to us regular mortals, decides it is necessary to ruin the lives of his people. Instead of say, sending a Tsumani to some third world country or lighting a poor person's house on fire, God, in his vengeful ways, decides to touch the precious knee ligaments of certain NBA players. His reasons for doing so aren't always clear, maybe it's because a certain computer-wielding fan isn't going to church enough, maybe it's because every time Jarvis Hayes decides to pull up for another uncontested brick, that fan screams God's name out in vain, followed by a dammit, or maybe it's because God has never cared for this certain individual nor his precious favorite basketball team and has relegated to torturing the team by allowing referees to ignore travelling calls and creating Kwame Brown. Either way, God knows that his ways are true and that instead of having this person wreak havoc on his three television remotes, and scream things like, "I hope even more of your family dies Walter Herrman!!" this person will remain calm and look at the finer things in basketball, like the entire front row of the Verizon Center wearing "I Can't Feel My Face" T-Shirts in tribute to cocaine and/or Deshawn Stevenson.