Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Clinton Portis Motivation Post

Listen, Clinton, we don't care how many Redskins victories you can singlehandedly account for. It doesn't matter to us that you hold the Redskins' record for rushing yards in a season, besting gawds Bobby Mitchell, John Riggins and Rickey Ervins. And you know what? It didn't matter that due to your departure from the team last year, the Redskins sucked.

Nope, we still think you are a second-rate running back, unworthy of even a first round fantasy draft pick. In fact, that guy behind you on the depth chart, Ladell Betts? He's better than you. Yep! Better. He rushed for like a ton of yards in that end of last year where you weren't around and the wins weren't coming. What were you doing? Rehabbing for the first time in your career? Returning to 100% or whatever other percentage of abritrary health you feel like achieving? That doesn't sound like a team player to us. Nope. Those attention-grabbing press conference dress-ups that everyone seems to love don't help either. We know that you were just pandering for Madison Avenue types, trying to get that Chad Johnson love. In fact, we thought your little dance after scoring the Redskins' only touchdown Sunday on a typically athletic 19 yard scamper was sub-par at best. I didn't see any props, any championship belts, any of the whimsy that Johnson continues to beat us over the head with.

In fact, we can distinctly remember coach Gibbs saying that Ladell was going to get a majority of those carries; we bet you were on the sideline whining for the ball. 98 yards and a touchdown doesn't always come with limited carries, and we can easily see that your me-first ways were plaguing a team that needed some sort of boost when down at the half. We read Dillweed's (spec-friggin-tacular) offensive game breakdown and saw that the Jansen injury can be blamed on you!

This disturbs us, in addition to the troubled offseason you've had here. Sympathiezing with dog killers? Not cool man. It's also not cool to not take every snap during the preseason seriously by ignoring nagging health issues. The preseason is important to the development of team chemistry, despite the games being meaningless and often gut-wrenchingly terrible. We were right with those guys all clamoring for your head at the beginning of the season, wondering why you and your gi-normous contract were still on this team when we had Betts and his occassionally reliable non-fumblingness with a newly signed deal and everything. You became an afterthought. And then you try your best to direct the cameras toward you, you attention-whore, to opine about your injuries and the haterz and the motivation they are causing you. And after all of the hubbub about your status for game one being questionable, and how you may not know how you're gonna play, and how your language is colorfully edited by Post staffers for legibility purposes and other stuff, we saw that none of it mattered as long as you got your carries.

And you know what, despite your competent performance against the vaunted Dolphins D, we are still nervous about giving you a majority of the carries against the Iggles. It is where you broke your thumb and subsequently washed away the whole offseason of spending and revamping, ultimately resulting in 5-11. When it comes to scampering, injured, multi-purpose running backs, your run a close second to Brian Westbrook in many people's eyes. While we are never going to side with a Philadelphian, we still want you to know that we are listening a little closer.

(This disturbing amount of hatred was meant purely for motivational purposes. Now go torch the Eagles)

2 comments:

NeverForget#26 said...

FINALLY a play on the ridiculous Portis-questioning that has plagued this fanbase for months. Clinton was the catalyst in that game. He wore down the Dolphins D with his hard-yet-fleet-footed running style. Broke into the secondary on nearly every damn run. Was a foot tackle away from a breakaway multiple times. The guy IS the Redskins offense. Its about time people in this unappreciative city start realizing it once again. This guy is the real deal. His one fluke injury year doesnt mean a thing. Haterz is his motivation baby, this post was perfect. All of you doom and gloom, conclusion jumping extremeskins d-bags need to find something else to post about. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Allow me to e-punch-you-in-the-throat on behalf of Sherrif Gon Getcha.

POE-TIS IS THE MAN. SPREAD THE 'TISM FOR ALL TO SEE AND HEAR!

Mickey said...

FEED HIM!
YUM YUM