MAO of the week 6-22, and We Clap Back at Eric Kay

It's time to look ahead. A forgettable stretch against a team from a different league (a team that, according to the ChairManny, is World Series-bound) has finally subsided, and we can again look forward to the Nats crawling back towards competitive play (still only 9 games back!). The Nats can take solace in not having to face double-digit run deficits, no matter how furious their attempts to thwart them are. They can see their rehabbing starting contingent tightening their tender tendons in Potomac, soon to return with their unexpectedly solid productive means in tact. This immediate future is brighter, folks, and it's even more illuminous when you consider the future of the future.

Yes, this Future-gazing continues to delight us here at the DC Optimist in the same manner that slipping on a newly designed, and deliciously retro-styled jersey provokes great visions of possibility. A new set of clothes, a new attitude (cue the Patti Labelle). Thankfully for us, the Nationals future involves The Plan™, a strategic foundation-building effort that has been effortlessly followed by the brilliantly patient ownership braintrust. We may have detailed the gems cultivated in last month's MLB draft, and how they are essential to the fruition of said Plan™, but we had yet to mention the seeds that had already been sowed last year, when the Kasten, Bowden and Lerner begain this fastidious reclaimation project. That is why we have awarded our 6-22 MAO of the Week to Washington Post staff writer Dave Sheinin, for in his 'Tism-frothed piece on Nats' wunderkind hitter Chris Marrero, he reminds us that we have greatness already in the wings, signed up and at 18, bursting through the minors like the "Ska-POW"-echoing baseballs flying from his parents' casa.

Sheinin tries in vain to curtail the blatant 'Tism rising out of his laptop, lacing the piece with Marrero praise that compares the kid to Albert Pujols, Barry Bonds, God and Satan (well at least Pujols). What's that? A genuine, top of the line prospect waiting in the wings to join thoroughbred third baseman Ryan Zimmerman somewhere (first, outfield, who cares) on the diamond? If that doesn't get those 'Tism receptors firing in your body, I don't know what else will. But maybe I do...

Some snarky "blogger" or "CBS Sportsline" columnist name Eric Kay attempts to inhibit 'Tism with this gawd-awful list of terrible jokes and poor analysis regarding the DC pro sports teams. We aren't the first to point out the fraudulence that exists within Mr. Kay's prose. But we feel the need to tack on a bit more ad-hominem firepower. This Kay claims to pledge allegiance to the Washington Sports franchises, being a native of the latte-slurping, sweater-tying, SUV-driving, urban redevelopment-loving, minority-avoiding Bethesda. But we can't get with someone who gives such dire outlooks to all of our loving braintrusts in multiple sporting areas, especially when, even if he thinks his jokes are so "lol" and he links to the wizznutzz, he is completely off base and traitor-like in his ways. Could this abomination of a sports columnist actually be the offspring of 'Tism Hater Hall of Famers Sally Jenkins and Mike Wise? (it was a wild Christmas party at the Post that night, Sally must have been turned on by Wise's fruit-flavorful shirt collar, even laughing at his references to rap music. Never would they know the final product of their insipid union).

Hilarious stuff about the Redskins along with that fresh material about Dan Snyder and his purchasing decisions. Hmm, I see no mention of the fiscal restraint, brilliant drafting strategies and mindful patience exuded this offseason, do I? Maybe you should instead compare the recent output of Hall of Fame Coach Joe Gibbs to that of the "non-existent" rival in Dallas? Right, not much different. In fact, there was no mention of how the skins have won three of the past four against their inferiors. Jason Cambell, the "newby" quarterback dooming the skins? Seems like he has played a total of three games less than Pro Bowl (lol) QB Tony Romo. Shouldn't the 'boys be more concerned about him? Maybe while googling lame 80's movie quotes and imitating Bill Simmons you could come across some of the fawning praise being bestowed on the "newby" Cambell from everyone in the organization. Maybe you could cue up some game footage where he was shredding the Philadelphia and New York defense, only to have the skins sieve of a defense let him down again.

And we all know Gilbert is going nowhere, so your little comments regarding his desires to leave are completely off-base, not to mention un-funny. Last season's "epic meltdown" was a freak occurrence, not some product of terrible play. What team was in first place in the Eastern Conference before their players started getting swarmed by the injury bug? riiiight.

Don't speak of the Nats without mentioning The Plan™ or the exploits of their diamond-in-the-rough pitching staff. Are they the worst team in the league? Ever? Don't think so.

And with the Caps gaining new sweaters, new attitudes, new brilliant rookies, and a new, modestly priced, yet astoundingly productive blue-liner this offseason, you can hold off on the lame references to Whoopi. Jeff Halpern was a novelty, Dallas can have him and his peanuts. Because the Caps were sooooo worse off without him (record looked the same to me).

Eric Kay, you are dead to us.

Speculation Not Pointless After All

Well, I guess we should have waited an hour or so before calling speculation over the new Capitals' uniform "pointless" in our last post. It turns out those Internet rumors were presenting the real deal after all. So much for the Big Surprise tomorrow at the Kettler Capitals Ice Complex.

Our opinion of the new look can perhaps be best summed up in the initial reaction of a DCO member a couple of days ago, when first viewing the "leaked" jersey: we don't hate it. Despite the views of numerous negative commentators on Capitals Insider, we actually think it's a pretty good look. Yes, it goes back to the old days, but is that necessarily so bad, so bad that so many people have to write something as clever as "excuse me while I vomit" when writing about the uniform? While it may be natural to initially have a negative reaction to such a drastic change, to not even give the new look a chance to, as cliched as it sounds, grow on you, is a bit much. It's grown on us the past few days and, judging by comments on sites where less-self-flagellating fans hang out, it's growing on others (sure, plenty of others dislike it, too, but what do you expect?).

Another take on this situation might be to ask the question: why must somebody always seek out to ruin a little surprise such as this one? While part of us may applaud or admire the enterprising "fan" who cracked in to the Caps web site to find this little unrevealed gem (or hunk of crap, whatever your preference may be), we must ask: why? Is it too much to wait a couple of extra days to end the suspense in proper press-conference-revealed fashion? Part of the blame is of course with whoever made the design so hacker-vulnerable in the first place, but it would be nice to not have to worry about such things.

Regardless, the new look is out now, so all us Caps fans have to ask: is it so terrible that we must change our loyalties? Should we just be thankful that our team is not the mustard-garbed Nashville Predators or the truly horrendously dressed Florida Panthers? Or should we withhold vitriol (and perhaps even gushing praise) until this one settles in, and maybe until we see it in action? Whatever the case is, don't jump on the team just because your initial reaction to the new logo isn't positive, and at the very least hope for big things on draft day tomorrow, and in the all-important free agency period to come.

Optimism in Waiting?

Well, according to Capitals Insider, the Caps are fielding calls from multiple teams regarding the #5 pick in tomorrow's draft. What might the offers be? An elite defenseman, a scoring/set-up center, a talented left wing? It's probable that, as in the situation regarding leaked uniforms, speculation is pointless, but it's also probable that the time is nigh for rampant 'Tism.

Is George McPhee ready to pull the trigger with a package to bring to Washington a missing piece such as Joni Pitkanen, as one commentator suggested (a -25 for the Flyers last year, but we'll look past that to his +37 total for the two years previous)? Regardless, this could be a sign that the Caps are ready to deal in the pre-free agent period for somebody who can make the proverbial "contribution now" and make this team decisively better in '07-'08. Perhaps. Again, like the uniforms, we shall see.

So You Think You Can General Manage?

Many people have been curious about Redskins' owner Daniel Snyder's recent acquisition of Dick Clark Productions. Thankfully, the DCO understands the great tiny mogul, and we are here to provide the succinct explanation. In addition to adding another kitchy old family friendly money-grab to his family friendly money-grabbing empire, he has secured the rights to the greatest reality television dance competition ever to be broadcast on the Fox network two days a week during primetime! Yes, we are talking about So You Think You Can Dance, the strangely-worded dance reality show competition that fervently slaps the American Idol formula to an eager group of butta-faced dance majors (aren't they all?) looking to become the next great video or Popeye's commercial extra! Mr. Snyder sees in this hit TV show more than just a money-making family-friendly (if those pesky homosexual connotations continue to be ignored) television megalith, no, he also sees TALENT EVALUATORS (and we see another opportunity to squeeze an ounce of comedy out of this story). Mr. Snyder is repeatedly smashed by 'Tism-haters for ignoring the scouting operations and instead relying on Eric Karabell and his fantasy-league geekerzoids for his free agent evalutions. Now he has recruited a gang of the best talent evaluators out there, and after this especially long-winded DCO opening post, we will get their comments on the recent brilliant off-season moves of the 'skins. It is these talent evaluators who correctly predicted that Benji would become the embodiment of America with his dance moves. Can they be as clairvoyant when it comes to football moves?

Cat Deely (in swarthy British accent, towering over Dan Snyder): Weeeelcome to another edition of SO you THINK YOU can MaNAGE!!! pre-teen crowd roars. Tuh-dayee, we are goooowing to analyze the recent player acquisitions of the Warshington RIdskins!! pre-teen crowd again roars. With us again are the the world famous JERDGES including the dippy choreographers and Nigel Lythgoe, the weirdo producer of the show whose creepy glances towards the teenage contestants seem to linger a bit too long! Now that the Redskins off-season is heading to a cloooowzzz, it is time for hack online columnists to hand out grades to each team for their on-the-paper performances! And we are no different in our superficial analysis! So without fur-ther a-dooow, LET GET JERDGING! Beginning with the skins' recent draft, lets hand it over to Shane Sparks!

Shane Sparks (buried underneath a fitted cap that matches his muscle-tight hardcore punk tee): Maaaaan. You guys was like... (long pause) off-the-HOOK! pre-teen crowd roars. Whoa! I mean, daaaaamn, that was NIIIIIIIICE! Straight up, I was feelin' that. Like, I thought Laron Landry might not be able to fit in well in that defensive backfield, but he is already pop-pop-popping at the groin. I think he will have great musicality back there... he's got MOVES, son. And I like the old-school flavor of London Fletcher. Sure he may be pushin' thirty-five, lookin' like that old dude at the club, but he's got game. Reminds me of a creepy uncle.


Cat Deely (still looking enormous): Thank yeeeoouww Shane! Your analysis was "own point" dawg! Now lets see what the more bitter, more white hip hop choreographer Dan Karaty thinks of the moves!


Dan Karaty (bangs ablaze in LA Looks): Yknow... I really wasn't feeling that move, Dan. I don't know I just... thought it was kind of OK. pre-teen crowd boos mercilessly. Hold on, hold on now, I'm not saying that amassing a backfield that includes two potential ego-riffic pro bowl safeties both gunning for the big hit at the same time, likely causing a big offensive play to happen concurrently is a bad idea, I am just not sure. pre-teen crowd again boos. WAIT WAIT! MY OPINION SHOULD BE RESPECTED, YOU MULES! I KNOW HOW TO EVALUATE TALENT, YOU DON'T! I CHOREOGRAPHED 'MUSIC AND LYRICS,' DAMMIT!


Cat Deely (able to restrain Karaty from the stage with her enormously long arms): Thank you Dan! Now lets go to the likely-stoned Mia Michaels for her take!


Mia Michaels (staring into the lights): All I have to say is (long pause) wow. Simply breathtaking. Your drafting skills are, in a word, stunning. Your braintrust is like an instrument in and of itself. Yeeaaaaaaaaaaahhh. (may have passed out)


Cat Deely (tall): Thank yeeeoow Mia! That was pertinent! Now lets hand it over to the histrionic Mary Murphy for her take!


Mary Murphy (WTF): Well guys. I hate to be the one to say this. I know you guys worked hard to shed your image of wayward free agent spending, terrible trades and other chemistry crushing moves. I know you want to deliver a proper championship to your loyal fans in the District. So I hate to be the one to have to say, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cat Deely (dunking a basketball): Ow-Kay! Now that that blatant grab for attention is over with, lets hand it to my boss and the token British arse, Nigel Lythgoe!


Nigel Lythgoe (oddly orange): Thaahnk you Cat. Well. I must say that these moves have been both thrifty, and spirited. You've reunited your fans with Smoot, you've focused on the tackling problems in the defensive backfield, and you've given your offense another year to gell with the players. I'd say overall, the performance was BRILL-YAHNT. I think there is room for improvement in the defensive line aaahrreea, but you put on a GREAT perFOHmance this offseason. BRAh-VOW!

Relax. Everything's Going to Be Fine.

Well, that was some sixth inning, wasn't it? Anybody else looking forward to bidding farewell to RFK? To 407-foot shots off the bats of Nationals that are hauled in for long outs, a la Dmitri Young tonight and countless others before him? Seriously, what the hell?

But it's ok, really. We'll be back playing teams without guys hitting in the .380s before you know it. No list tonight of reasons to be happy in the face of a loss and a sweep at the hands of the Tigers, but if anyone has such reasons, please share. In the meantime, there are the Cleveland Indians to prepare for. The Indians, who are...just...as...good...as...the...Tigers. Hope Manny brings an extra dose of 'Tism with him to the ballpark.

Again, it's cool. We're alright. This too shall pass. It's not like they've lost nine in a row. They could be like the Rangers, or this blog post: adrift and rambling, without a plan, with no real idea of how to tidy things up.

We have The Plan. We have Manny. We have, um, Dmitri miked up, being an overall nice guy, exchanging pleasantries with his old pals on the Tigers after they have secured another base hit.

There will be better days. There have to be better days.

Eleven Reasons for Cheer

In perhaps our most challenging post yet, we look at the bright side from tonight's game. What positives can we glean from a 15-1 defeat?

1. It was not a shutout. Because that would have been embarrassing.

2. Billy Traber was almost untouchable. Two full innings, only two hits allowed, and no runs scored, dipping that ERA to 1.59.

3. Dmitri Young. Two doubles and an uptick in the batting average to .338. He's looking more and more like All- Star material.

4. Christian Guzman. Came out of a mini-slump by going 2 for 3, with the lone Nats RBI. Also made several nice plays in the field.

5. No errors. That's right, no errors.

6. They were not alone. The Blue Jays were also members of the Losing Double-Digits to Single-Digits club tonight.

7. Stability is still assured. Despite this loss and the recent mini-streak of losing, the Nationals will not have their manager fired tonight, tomorrow, or any time in the foreseeable future.

8. Games such as this have been rare. Remember when some thought that bad losses would be the norm all season? They were wrong. Perhaps tonight stings a little more because it's really the first loss if its kind this year. The lack of complete blowouts shows how much this team has exceeded expectations.

9. No fights. Despite several rough innings, nobody in the Nationals dugout threw a punch at a teammate.

10. The impending arrival of Brandon Watson. Though everyone obviously wishes it were under more favorable circumstances than Robert Fick going on bereavement leave following the death of his mother, we have 43-game-hitting-streak sensation Watson coming to town to fill an open roster spot. That's exciting.

11. Reality check. No, this isn't one of those "they've just been beating lesser teams" type of comments. It's just a slight reminder to fans, particularly, um, highly optimistic blogs, that there is a ways to go for this rebuilding team. It absolutely does not shake our faith in The Plan, it simply re-enforces that there will not be overnight results, and that teams like the Tigers are really, really good.

So there you go. That wasn't so hard, really.

When a Loss is a Win

It’s irrelevant that the Washington Nationals lost against the Detroit Tigers tonight. They played like the scoreboard didn’t even exist; they played with the effort and intensity of a team who has a pure love for the game, a team infected with untreatable, incurable, inoperable, drug-resistant 'Tism, and that came through sublimely in the ninth inning, possibly the most exciting of the Nationals’ stellar season thus far.

By the top of the sixth inning, the Tigers led 9 to 1 and many spectators were heading for the parking lot, expecting that the game was already over. With two homers by Gary Sheffield and Marcus Thames and six runs scored by Detroit in the fifth, a comeback seemed improbable. But for those who embrace ‘Tism, this was a time to rally. Chair Manny looked focused, his determination and belief in his team unwavering, as Felipe Lopez stepped to the plate. As if possessed by the positivity that has propelled this club into a respectable standing, Lopez smacked a triple that drove home Christian Guzman and inspired singles from both Ryan Zimmerman and Dmitri Young. Austin Kearns walked to first, loading the bases, and by the end of the inning, Ryan Church and Brian Schneider had also helped to boost the Nats' score by four runs.

Their defensive cohesiveness and Manny-inspired confidence was at its best as Saul Rivera and Jon Rauch managed to hold the Tigers scoreless and keep the Nationals momentum going, and by the bottom of the ninth inning every remaining Nationals fan was on their feet, and damned if those Tigers fans, those fans of the elite second-place team about to blow a big one to an unwilling doormat, didn’t look noticeably nervous.

At the beginning of this season, in that dark first week that modern evidence suggests might never have existed, a four-run lead against the Nationals in the ninth would have meant that the opposing team could relax and wait out their win. After a recent series win against a now manager-less team that is not in this market, and game after game of proving themselves against allegedly stronger ball clubs, a four-run lead no longer means ultimate demise. It means the Nats have room to explode like fireworks over RFK stadium. And explode they did.

With a visibly concerned Todd Jones on the mound, Robert Fick (batting average now .200+!) and Ryan Langerhans (who DCO predicts will be quite the power hitter by the end of the season - 10 homers, put it in the book) effortlessly got on base, just in time for Christian Guzman to step up and triple for the fifth time this year, sending his boys home. Eliciting deafening cheers from the stands, Lopez, likely still hopped-up on Manny Motivation, stepped up and singled Guzman home. And although Young struck out and Ronnie Belliard hit a bouncing grounder to the short stop and prevented the tying run, the Nationals still accomplished a great feat by any standard.

They put the fear of God, if only momentarily, into one of the best teams in the league. They refused to roll over and die when the opposition tagged them for runs early on. They showed (most) underdogs all over the world that greatness is possible if you just inject a little ‘Tism into the mix. They didn’t "technically" get the win tonight, and maybe the Tigers left the field feeling only slightly less smug than usual, but in typical fashion the Nationals’ spirit and enthusiasm made us forget that we were even keeping score. And that’s evidence of a team that comes to PLAY, no matter what the circumstances. They may yet show us that even a defeat can be a springboard for a big run. Take note, nearby non-DC team.

The Third-Most Irrelevant Sports Story in DC

We've already dealt with the G. Arenas non-issue non-story. If a list of Stories Irrelevant to DC Sports existed, this one would be at the top. It would be followed in irrelevance by the story of a baseball manager in another city being fired. Why this story garnered a headline on the front web page of what is purportedly a DC paper is a discussion for another time but, regardless, it is of no relevance to us. Unless of course we are counting the number of MLB managers within 50 miles who do not have "interim" in front of their title. The result of that count currently stands at 1.

A relative newcomer to this irrelevant list, coming in at #3, would be the LaRon Landry Paintball Scandal. While most local media, to their credit, have not blown this story out of the tiny proportion it should occupy, we have noticed a little more concern than is warranted in some individual fans. To them, we can only say: Relax. Everything's going to be fine. Even Coach Joe, never one to shy away from prophecies of doom when he feels it necessary (though he does at times overwhelm us with good sugary 'tism; he's a complicated man), has labeled this a "freak accident" of little note. LaRon is young. He'll heal fast and be anchoring the secondary before you know it. Besides, it's not like this story is driven by something like a contract dispute or potential felonies. It's an innocent non-bump in the road to the season opener. But in an offseason full of great moves and no arrests, there is clearly the need in some quarters to worry about something. Don't buy into it.

Etan Thomas Responds to Tom Knott (again)

We here at the DC Optimist haven't bothered wasting time covering the non-issue involving Gilbert Arenas and his financial desires. The non-point, non-issue became further moot after Gilbert eased all Washingtonians' fears as well as delighted all of the internets once again with a fanciful blog post that addressed his contract situation along with other important concerns like riding a bike without a helmet, Larry Hughes's undergarmets and video game championships. Of course that didn't stop frequent 'tism-hater Tom Knott from wagging his fingers all over his laptop in a column bashing the Agent's contract decisions. Thankfully, the bloggers have responded and Knott was once again left to look Sally Jenkins-esque in his foolhardiness. But we thought another voice was needed to K.O. Knott. In a "war" of printed words last year, Wizards center Etan Thomas got into "debate mode" over his dual role as both a mediocre center and a thoughtful public speaker with the gruff Moonie-paper columnist. Thomas came out the victor of this brief beef, and unlike many of his games, he was consistent with his points. We sought out Etan for his thoughts on the recent bashing of his teammate by the MC Eiht to his DJ Quik. His response is below:

The other day I was driving my hybrid through the dilapidated streets of Washington DC, searching for a place to park so that I could enjoy a serving of fresh falafel, free of slaughtered animals, when I encountered a copy of your "great republican" newspaper, serving as a bed-sheet to a homeless transient. Ironic, I thought, that it is Knott's blowhardiness serving to warm this disenfranchised soul. After offering my 20-oz jug of wheat grass juice to the man in exchange for his bedspread (he took 20 dollars instead), I read over your latest bashing of African Americans living in this country. How long will we have to live with your racism, Mr. Knott? My teammate Gilbert Arenas may not have the wherewithal to deliver me the rock when I am free on the low block, but he is true with his intentions as a business person in America. What is wrong with a brother looking to maximize his financial means?

I was once a hungry rookie on the Washington bench, fiending for the opportunity to show off my potential to the Wizards' management, and after my impressive 03-04, I was rewarded with a contract that is critical to the team's success. I knew that with my financial future on the line, I would play as if my dreads were posessed by Jah himself, and afterwards, I would reap the rewards. I only see the play of Gilbert as going in the same direction, granted he passes me the ball every four or five posessions. The new contract, like the haters, will be his motivation, much like annihilating prejudice from the minds of bitter, unathletic sports columnists has always been mine.

Maybe you didn't know that while I was earning my degree from the prestigious Syracuse University, I was also serving as captain of the debate team, poet laureate and all-time shot block leader. I feel obligated to speak my mind when it comes to issues that involve racism, as most of your columns tend to do (and don't think I didn't notice your labelling of me as "The Poet" once again, as if having a literary-mindedness somehow is cause for jokes). I also have a problem with these websites that attempt to imitate my writing style in an effort to draw laughs at the expense of me and my mission. Laugh it up in your office cubicles; you are not out on the front lines speaking for the disenfranchised. Since everyone loves to affix me with this "poet" label, here's some battle rhymes I wrote for all of you:

I see you affixing your labels

eyes like post it notes

neon with hatred

none will attach

when my hands is slippery

Try to move me

but I won't budge

paper motivation like one sentence paragraphs

dramatic

but fleeting

*author may not be Etan Thomas