Washington, April 2 — The Nationals open their season today against the Florida Marlins brimming with confidence convinced that they won't be one of the worst major league baseball teams of all time. According to a recent Barry Svrluga exclusive at the Washington Post, the Nationals are certain that they will not lose a paramount 125+ games. Despite loading their roster with also-rans, never-beens, and well-its-possibles-but-highly-unlikelies, the Nationals are projected to be the worst team in baseball at best. They aren't taking these projections lightly. "That just doesn't make sense to me," said opening day starter John Patterson, managing not to injure himself in process of quote giving.
With a team that can boast of a starting rotation of exactly zero pitchers who have pitched in one full season of major league baseball without rupturing a tendon, the Nationals are poised to be at least unpredictible at the season's start. Instead of signing a pitcher that may have a modicum of game day experience, the Nationals have decided to haul in as many fixer-uppers as possible hoping for one or two that may possibly have a foundation that isn't horribly rotting to the core with termite infestation. This strategy may have quite ugly results, being that having a competant rotation pretty much is the only thing that matters. However, perpetually peppy Nationals Manager Manny Acta understands that even if the odds are stacked against the Natty-lights, they must remain, yes, positive. "It's very easy to be negative," Acta said, channelling George W. Bush at an Iraq-war news conference except with relative coherence. "If you're negative, you don't have to work. When you're positive, you have to work just to keep your word." DCO agrees wholeheartedly with Man-Act's mantra, as should all fans paying to watch games in state of the art RFK stadium.